The Mafia’s Wanted Desires

ASHLEY

“It feels so fresh, baby,” He began.

“So fresh.”

“My mom and Dad have always been so extra. Well, my mom, mostly.” He chuckled.

“It was my high school graduation. Maria had a little fever and she had to stay back with Alberta, making Mom promise that she wouldn’t stay back with her. I was the valedictorian of my set. Geez, you should have seen how hard they cheered for me that day, baby.” He spoke, his voice thick with adoration for them, coated with a hint of nostalgia. I couldn’t suppress the smile that was beginning to form on my lips.

“Mom brought up the idea of a family dinner, so we couldn’t stay back at school. We headed home…” His voice trailed off and he muttered a curse word under his breath.

“God,” He whispered.

I needed no one to tell me how hard it was for him to open up about what was going on with him. He wasn’t used to such a gesture.

“I…”

I held him even tighter.

“We were so happy in the car. They wouldn’t stop telling me how proud they were of me. I even made a joke about me being a big boy because I was already eighteen. It was…” His voice began cracking, crushing my soul.

“It just happened so fast,” He croaked.

“Dad only took his eyes off the road for a second,”

“For a second, Peach!” His voice raised an octave higher.

“A truck was barreling towards us, right in our direction and the driver lost control of the truck. The next thing I knew, it was ramming into our car and there was…there were so many screams, shattering of glasses as our car somersaulted.” He divulged, his voice barely above a whisper. He was barely holding it together and it was so evident how painful it was for him.

I choked out a sob, holding onto him. I allowed the tears to flow. I didn’t hold back. My heart clenched in pain for him because I couldn’t even imagine how it must have felt for him to lose both his parents on one of the happiest days of his life.

He was such a strong man.

“Peach, I watched my mother give up the ghost. She died right before my eyes and I couldn’t save her! I couldn’t do anything! You should have seen how terrified she looked! She didn’t want to die, Peach! She tried to hold on for as long as she could, waiting for me to help her but I couldn’t do anything!”

“I WAS HELPLESS!”

“I had no control over the situation!”

He was yelling at the top of his lungs, letting it all out and falling apart in my arms. He couldn’t hide his pain. He couldn’t hide how much he was hurting, so he was screaming at me. The self-loathe in his tone terrified me, it had dread washing over me. It tore me apart.

He was blaming himself for what happened, for what he clearly had no control over. It mortified me how long he had been holding on to this hatred, to this anger. He must have tried to escape his grief and that was why it still hurt this much. He didn’t allow himself to grieve for them.

“It was hell!”

“Waking up to find myself in a hospital, after three weeks of being unconscious!”

“I think a part of me died in that accident that day. A part of me that I am never going to get back.” He mumbled, his voice quivering like he was trying so hard not to break down but what he didn’t know was there were no shortcuts to healing, if you refuse to follow the due process, it would come back and overwhelm you. It will consume you more than you can ever think!

“I was just eighteen.”

“My whole world fell apart without my parents. I had to grow up really fast, for Maria. I knew I needed an escape from that horrible feeling, so I threw myself to work and began training to uphold my Father’s legacy. I took over before my nineteenth birthday, channeling my anger into becoming a better version of my father.” His tone was so cold.

“At some point, I began obsessing over the fact that it might have not been an accident. It might have been staged but it wasn’t. It was just an accident!”

“That was the most infuriating part!”

“Finding out it was just an accident!”

“I don’t even know who I am anymore, Peach because I have learned to keep it all buried inside for so long that I barely feel anything, anymore,” He mumbled.

“Until you,” He said those two words, looking up to face me with his glistening green eyes. He had a warm smile on his face, watching me like I was a lost part of him that he just got back and that shook me to the core of my soul.

Arden opening up to me was like the final piece of a puzzle. It made so much sense. It dawned on me, jamming me in the guts and punching my breath out of me. His obsession to control everything stemmed from pain, not because that was who he was. It had eaten into him so deeply, aligning with his personality, making it so hard to decipher. That was the reason he couldn’t afford to be vulnerable with anyone.

I didn’t even know how I was able to figure it out but I did.

His control was all he had left.

He utilized it like a weapon and it shaped him into the man that he was today. He was just a boy that had been shielding himself from pain after his whole world crumbled right before his eyes because what better way not to get your heart broken than to pretend you don’t have one?

Beneath the tough facade, he put up, was a broken man, who thought he was undeserving of his forgiveness. The self-loath he was holding on to was holding him back from truly healing from the pain of losing his favorite people in the world. I didn’t even want to imagine how hard it must have been for him, running the deadliest crime organization when he was barely twenty and training his sister.

And boy, he raised her into the badass woman she was today and I couldn’t have been prouder of him. He had to be both a brother and father to her. He had to be her everything while he died inside, over and over again.

“I miss them so much, baby.”

“I wish I could get just a second and see them again. I wish we had skipped my Grad party because if it weren’t for me, all this wouldn’t have happened!” He screamed, holding onto me.

“I just want them back…” He trailed off, his tense body growing lax in my arms and that was all it took for him to shatter into a thousand pieces in my arms. He broke down so badly, bawling his eyes out like a little child. All that pain, all that anger, all that exhaustion, all that hatred, he let go of it, for once and allowed himself to be vulnerable.

He let it all out, sobbing profusely in my arms and I held on to him, crying my eyes out.

I didn’t know how long I held him but I did and allowed him to pour his heart out. I was grateful that he didn’t shy away from me, instead, he allowed me to hold him so tight. My hands glided back and forth on his naked back, soothingly.

“That’s it, baby. Let it all out.”

“I am here and I am never leaving.”

“You are okay, baby. You are alright.”

I mumbled words of assurances to him, sniffing in between. His cries reduced to whimpers and then, transcended to hiccups. The room was filled with silence and I knew I was going to have to break it. The thought of saying the wrong thing has never scared me until today but I shrugged it off, not wanting it to overwhelm me.

“I am so sorry you had to go through all that, baby. I am so sorry you had to grow up so fast, ladened with burdens and responsibilities. I am so sorry you had to die inside to be the best brother and father figure to Maria,”

“You are so strong, my love and I couldn’t have been prouder of you because you did a great job. You turned your pain into something that made you into the great man that you are.” I crooned, chuckling softly, my voice filled with immense softness.

“But you don’t have to go through it alone,” I shook my head as though he could see me.

“Look at me,” I prodded him softly and the way he clung to me indicated that he didn’t want me to see him the way he was.

“Please, baby.” My voice was drawn into a whisper, thick with emotions. He released a shaky breath, lifting his head off my chest. He brought his face to my view and I cupped it softly, looking into his eyes. His eyes were bloodshot, glistening with tears. The exhaustion in them couldn’t go unnoticed by me. He couldn’t even hide it if he tried. I didn’t have to say anything. I wanted him to see how much I meant every word I said to him.

“I have got you,” I promised, pressing my forehead against his. He couldn’t bring himself to respond to what I said, so he nodded his head, my heart swelling with pride that he chose to believe me.

“Can I…” I trailed off, unsure of what he would think of my question.

“Ask me anything,” He broke the ice and I let out a shaky breath, massaging his cheeks with the pad of my thumb and his eyes fluttered shut at that act.

“When was the last time you have gone to see them?” My voice was barely above a whisper. He stilled beneath my touch but I didn’t allow that to deter me. He hesitated before answering me.

“I haven’t gone back there since the way we buried them.” His voice was so small and I could discern the shame it held but there was nothing to be ashamed of. He lost his parents abruptly and for someone who has spent nearly half his life blaming himself for what happened to them, it must have been hard for him to go back there.

“You don’t have to be ashamed, baby,” I said softly.

“But I should. I am a bad son.” He mumbled.

I knew within me, with a strong conviction that Arden wasn’t ready to let them go. He wasn’t ready to come to terms with their death and that’s the reason he couldn’t go back there because going back meant admitting that they were truly gone and weren’t coming back. It was the hardest pill to swallow.

“You are hurting so much, Arden. You have done the hardest part which is opening up about it but you need to talk to a professional.” I voiced out the one thing that had been hanging at the tip of my tongue, ever since I found out about his nightmares.

He stared at me for a moment, then shook his head slowly, not agreeing with me but I understood his fear and I understood how uncomfortable it was for him.

“I can’t…”

“I can’t do it…”

“I…”

He was beginning to freak out, so I did the one thing that I knew would put him at ease. I kissed him. So, softly, sweetly, and very gentle with it. It was more than enough because his tense body eased into my touch, into the kiss, a soft moan eluding him.

I broke it off because in as much as I wanted him inside of me, in as much as I missed how he always filled me up, we needed to talk and we needed to come to a compromise.

“I will think about it.” He agreed, breathing heavily and my lips twitched in a proud smile, tears welling up in my eyes.

“But then, there’s something we need to do. You might not like it but it’s as important as speaking with a therapist…” My voice trailed off, hesitation hanging in it but he prodded me with a slight nudge of his head.

“You have to tell your family.” I dropped the bombshell and he stared back at me, his expression utterly blank. I gulped swiftly, blinking rapidly and before I could understand what was going on, he shifted forward, closing in on me. My back met the soft pillow and I swallowed.

He had me trapped underneath him, staring down at me with an expression I couldn’t decipher. His hand landed on my leg, palming a handful of my thigh and I released a sharp gasp when he threw one of my legs around him, leaning into me and I sighed.

“Arden__”

“We’ll deal with that tomorrow,” He deadpanned, kissing me softly.

“But now, let me ravish you.” He demanded huskily and I moaned, his hands met the hem of my tee, pulling it over my head. My boobs were staring right back at him in the face and he groaned in satisfaction, his warm mouth enclosing around one of my nipples.

I tossed my head backwards with a moan.