The Mafia’s Wanted Desires

ASHLEY

I missed this.

I missed being held by him. I missed being flushed against his chest as he snuggled me to sleep. I still couldn’t bring myself to believe that he was awake, holding me in his arms. It felt so surreal because I felt like if I let him go, he might disappear from my side and just fade into nothingness. I didn’t want to go through all I went through the last time.

My lips twitched in my sleep as I snuggled into him, even more, desperate to feel his arms around me. But then, every trace of the smile on my face was completely wiped off when I felt him jerk in my arms, muttering profanities under his breath. His hold grew tighter, almost as though he wanted to squeeze out every ounce of breath I had in me. My eyes snapped open, instinctively, his nails digging into my bare skin and I winced.

He was having a nightmare.

Again.

My eyes flitted to his restless frame tossing and turning in his sleep, his body drenched in sweat. My heart lurched to my throat, blood pounding furiously in my ears and I tried to pry myself out of his grip. My eyes grew misty, shaky breath evading me now and then. I reached out to hold on to him, wanting to keep him in place but he flinched at my touch, reeling backwards.

“No!”

“No!”

“Mom!”

“Arden!”

“It’s just a nightmare, look at me! I am here!” I cried, cupping his face. His eyes were shut stiffly, his muscles tense under my touch. I couldn’t even hear him breathe. I got atop him, trying to get him to open his eyes, my tears dropping down his body, non-stop.

“Baby, hey! hey!”

“NO!” He screamed, jolting upright with a start. His body was drenched with sweat. I rolled off him, crouching to his side, loud hiccups emitting from me. A soft groan tore through his lips, his breathing coming out so scorched and bruised. He dropped his head into his palm, trying to control his uneven breaths. I stared at him, unsure of what to do, my heart clenching in pain.

His bruised breathing filled the room while I just sat still in a spot, my eyes scanning his frame, watching his every move. His composure was enough to tell me that the last thing he needed right now was me being all over his face. All in his space but I couldn’t help it. He was in so much pain and I wanted to help whichever way I could.

I shifted where I sat, reaching out to touch him but his body grew tense.

“Don’t touch me!” He snapped, his loud voice echoing in the room. It was cracking and quivering. His tone caught me off-guard and I flinched visibly, tears filling my eyes.

“Arden__”

“God!”

“Just get the hell out of my face!” He bit at me harshly, breaking my heart with every word he uttered. He hissed through clenched teeth, muttering incorrigibles under his breath. He shifted away from me, pushing the covers off his body, and rose to his feet. My eyes widened in alarm.

“Where are you going?” I queried.

“I want to take a shower.” He said gruffly and without wasting any more seconds with me, he spun on his heels and headed to the bathroom, slamming the door shut with a bang that threatened to rip the door off its hinges.

I flinched, teary-eyed, my eyes drilling holes into the door. I dropped my head into my palms, digging my fingers into my hair. I just wanted this pain to stop. He was having such a hard time and wouldn’t even allow me to help. I mean, it’s barely been three days since he woke up, and then, the nightmares were back. He’s not even allowed to catch his breath away from his demons.

It was driving me to the edge that I didn’t even know how to help him, that I didn’t know how to take this pain away from him. He was shutting me out. He doesn’t want to share his pain with me.

I sat there in suspense, my heart hanging in my mouth as my shoulders quaked with sobs while I waited for him to step out of the bathroom. At some point, I wanted to screw the odds and just go meet him in the bathroom but I knew it would only make him so aggravated and that was the last thing I wanted.

So, with how bad it broke me, I decided to give him the space he wanted.

I didn’t know how long he was in the bathroom but by the time he stepped out, relief broke over my face and he could see it too. He didn’t hold my gaze for a few seconds before he sauntered into the closet, coming out a moment later and dressed in black sweatpants.

Then, I saw it in his steps.

His hesitance.

He wasn’t sure how to face me after he just snapped at me and despite how crazy everything felt right now, my lips curved in a smile and I chuckled, sitting up.

“Come here,” I urged him, a light smile playing on my lips. He hastened up and got out of his flip-flops, getting into bed with me. I scooted close to him, drawing him in for a soft snuggle against my chest. I made sure I propped the pillows against the headrest so that our position would be comfortable.

His breathing had gone back to normal, coming out softly. With the way he clung to me, it felt like he wanted to fuse our bodies, the fruity smell of his body wash invading my nostrils. The silence between us was in no way uncomfortable. Instead, it was peaceful and I knew that he needed it to collect his thoughts.

One of his hands that were wrapped around my waist slowly detached from it and crawled underneath my baggy tee, brushing against my bare skin. I sucked in a breath, my nipples growing excessively hard under my shirt. I wasn’t wearing a bra underneath, so it was easy access to my boobs for him. His palm found one of my sensitive mounds, kneading it softly. My arm tightened around him, my fingers digging into his skin.

“They are so soft,” He whispered, expressing his admiration for them. A soft moan exited my lips when he began toying with my hard nub, flicking and tugging at it. My eyes fluttered shut instinctively and I cradled his head to my neck, slipping my fingers into his wet hair. Heat settled between my legs which had begun dripping with moisture. I clasped my thigh shut, rubbing them together. He continued his assault on my breasts, whispering sweet nothings into my ears as I wiggled in his arms like a worm.

“Arden, stop teasing me.” I was out of breath, becoming so dizzy as the seconds ran by and he chuckled against my neck.

“I missed them,” He whined like a child and his hands stopped moving underneath my shirt, eliciting a soft chuckle from me.

“Fine, you can keep your hands there.” I rolled my eyes and we fell into a comfortable silence that enveloped the both of us. But then, I knew it was only a matter of time before it was broken.

And the thought of it scared me.

So much.

“Can we talk?”

He asked quietly, detaching his head from my neck. He pressed a soft kiss to my lips and our eyes locked in a stare. There was something about his eyes tonight, akin to fear, and that tugged at my heartstrings dangerously. He had a forlorn look on his face, and then I sighed.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I am not being pushy.” I clarified, kissing his forehead.

“I want to,”

“It’s high time I spoke about it.” He announced, his voice thick with a determination that soon faltered after he puffed out some breath shakily, clinging to me like his life depended on it. I didn’t probe him. I just held him because that was what he wanted.

I sucked him some breath, knowing his revelation could usher a giant spin around our relationship.