Love Aint Always Pretty

Chapter 17: 17 Fanaa

Fanaa

- destruction of self; "destroyed in love"

Origin: Arabic and Urdu

I take the supplies that I need to clean his wound and lay them out on the counter. I prop up my leg leaning it on the toilet bowl just below his crotch and placed his hand on my leg.

I.

Put.

His.

Hand.

On.

My.

Leg.

Holy hell.

His arm draping across my leg and I wish my hands would calm down and not shake while I clean his wound. As I start putting alcohol over the cut with the cotton ball clipped with the tweezers, I push all of my hair to one side so it won't intervene while I'm cleaning his wound. I was amazed that he doesn't

flinch at all from the stinging pain. He just sat there and doesn't make a sound. I was even silently wincing for him but he just watches me work quietly. We didn't talk as always.

I don't know if he was looking at his hand or thinking if I was doing it right even though I know what I'm doing, or he was looking at my face. I don't know because I'm too nervous to look at him. But I try to ignore Nick even though our faces were a little closer than a while ago. I even feel his breath on my cheek every single time he exhales.

I see his other hand resting on his knee but I ignored it again. All of a sudden I can sense that one of the tips of his fingers is now touching my knee but I still try to ignore it. I reached for something from the first aid and slowly placed an antibiotic cream on his wound. Our eyes lock for three seconds the least but then I quickly looked back down on his wound. He's too close in getting too conscious with what I'm doing.

Suddenly I dropped the cream on the floor. "Shit." I cursed.

I hurriedly picked it up and acted weird before Nick. I can't tell if he's tensed as I am. But I couldn't quite figure out if he's nervous because I was this close to him or because I was hurting him with what I was doing over his wound.

Suddenly, two of the tips now touches my knee.

Now three.

I inhale again and try to grab the gauze from the kit while exhaling. I didn't look at him after grabbing it, I quickly looked back down on his wound. As much as I want to focus on his hand, making the perfect wrap around his wound, I can't cos the tips of his fingers that are on my knee isn't an accidental graze at all.

He's actually touching me.

His fingers now trailing around my knee and his hand slowly runs down the back of my leg. Holy shit. All of a sudden his forehead pressing against my neck then he sighs while squeezing my leg. I can't move. I don't want to move at all.

Breathe Savannah.

Just breathe.

I quickly manage to finish with his gauze covering around his palm but he still didn't speak. He doesn't release me too so I didn't back away. I can feel his warm breathing on my neck.

Breathe Savannah.

Slowly I feel his hand gliding go to my thigh then on my hip and now up to my waist. Shit he's holding my waist.

Breathe Savannah.

Breathe Savannah.

His fingers gripping my waist as he slowly pulls his head back. His face now close to mine and now that the space in between us is growing smaller and smaller, I think every muscle in my body somehow just forgot it's job.

"Savannah." He whispers.

I gulped.

I pulled myself up all of a sudden and escaped from his grip. He was still sitting on top of the closed toilet

"I'm done cleaning it. Uhh..." I scratch my hair. "I just need to recheck it again probably before we leave tomorrow."

I headed to the door and opened it. I stepped out and took a deep breath. As I was about to leave him, he grabs my wrist and pulled me back inside the restroom and I was closer to him. He gently closes the door and locked it. He's still sitting on the toilet though and now I'm standing in between his legs. He looks up to me and oh sweet baby Jesus he's so handsome from my view right now. I'm so nervous.

Oh god.

Oh god.

He stands slowly but his eyes never leaves mine. His head now looking down at me while his height towering over me as I prop my head up to him. He pulled his wounded hand up to my cheek, holding my face and all of a sudden he licked his lips. He. Licked. His. Lips.

He's wetting them.

That.

Was.

So.

Hot.

And right now, I'm damn sure that Nick really wants to kiss me.

And right now, I'm hella sure that I want to do the same too.

His other hand slowly trailing from the back of my neck moving down against my spine and I feel some left marks with every touch he's leaving on my skin.

Im about to die with every inch he comes closer and closer to me. And I'm pretty damn sure that nothing from the first-aid kit could save me.

His head tilting to one side and my head on the opposite side. Both of us closing our eyes together and boom. My lips are pressing against his. He tightens the grip on the back of neck. The feeling of lips on mine is pure bliss.

Goodness Lord he is really kissing me.

His tongue enters my mouth while he slowly pins me against the wall. His mouth is so possessive. His lips is like a destructive hurricane for a second then a calm sea the next. His fingers digging into my hip and my arms wrapping around his neck. His kisses gaining a little speed while he lifts my leg, wrapping it around him and pressed himself against me.

He's like a cigarette; toxic and unhealthy, but I love the feeling on my lips.

Oh God, if he's not only on his pants right now and if he didn't have that wound, we could've done it here.

Holy Christ he just moaned.

My hand slowly brushes down his chest but then the kiss came to an abrupt stop and drops my leg down.

He stopped.

Why did he stop?

No. No. No. No. No.

Kiss me again again. Kiss me again. We were getting warmer. We could... Ugh!

His eyes were shut closed. He's obviously regretting that we kissed. He's regretting that he kissed me. Nick pushes himself off the wall and turned his back to me. I didn't see his eyes after he opened them.

"Never let me do that again to you." He says.

Why?

Why Nick?

Why?

His regret is caught in my throat. He meant what he said. He sounded like he didn't want it. It's stuck here in me but I want him to kiss me again so badly he could choke on his saliva. He opens the door but I don't want him to go. I don't want him to leave me here after kissing me so terribly great like that. Finally he leaves me still against this stupid wall. I stood there, thinking and quiet the entire time after he left me.

I sigh.

I headed out of the bathroom and saw Tracy walking up the stairs.

"Was Nick's would deep?" She asks.

I just shake my head. "Nothing serious."

"Thank god! Come downstairs, I'm watching this chick flick in HBO. Watch it with me."

"Where's your brother?" I asked.

"I saw him entering his room." she points out to the door right across the room I'll be staying tonight.

We reached the couch and she started changing the channel to HBO.

"Does your brother have a girlfriend, Tracy?" I asked out of the blue.

"Well, no. As much as I can remember, he's been single for eight years now."

My jaws dropped. "You're kidding me? Isn't he like twenty four? And he's in college for god sake. I'm sure he'll get tempted by women."

She shakes her head. "He's single. Trust me. I know he's old to still be in college but there's always reasons behind every decisions that we make right?"

I just nod.

•••••

I lay down on this bed that Tracy prepared for me as I still hear the rain hitting the rooftop. Gosh, I'm going to miss my first class tomorrow. But it's okay, at least I get to kiss Nick.

I really want him to be attracted to me.

I try to fall back asleep for the nth time but no use. I can't even if I try to. My mind is still thinking about that deliciously perfect kiss I had with Nick. I crawled out of my bed and pulled my hair up into a messy bun before heading out of my bedroom. I wanted to get something to drink of whatever their fridge has.

As soon as I stepped down the last step of the stairs, I see Nick sitting on the couch with the light from the tv was the only thing lighting up the entire living room. He looks at me as if he was expecting me to come down. I just walk past him and ignored the fact that he regretted kissing me a while ago.

I wonder if he didn't like how I kissed him? Did I suck at it?

I just continued marching my way to the kitchen and exhaled the moment I shut the kitchen door close. I light up the kitchen and headed to the fridge then noticed that it was already 1AM. I grabbed a box of

fresh milk and poured myself a glass then lean against the counter. I hope they don't mind that I'm taking a little sip from it.

"I thought you were sleepwalking."

I almost spilled the milk from the glass as soon as I heard Nick's voice. I turned around as quick as I could and faced him standing right across where I was just opposite to him.

"I'm not." I answered, looking away.

I listened if he left the tv on, but its shut already. The entire house is too quiet. It's too quiet that it's getting awkward.

"Didn't you and Tracy do some girly stuff before going to sleep?" He asked.

I shake my head after taking a drink from my glass. I wiped my upper lip with the back of my thumb. I wanted to ask him if he's really been single for eight years. I mean, that's already far too long and every guy has needs. If he's really single then why did he stop kissing me a while go?

"How long have you been single Nick?" I asked.

I couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Eight years." He answers right away without hesitation plastered on his face.

Then why did you stop kissing me if you were single?

"Really? Wow. But have you had... At least...." I just don't know how to finish my sentence right now.

"Had sex?" He continued for me.

I gazed at him before nodding. "You're single. You can always hook up with some girls cos of your good looks. You can easily make women love you."

That almost includes me.

"Not everyone wants those things in life." He folds his arms across his chest. It's like he's guarding himself from giving too much after we kissed.

Those things?

"Most people can't have love without sex. It's like human nature. But some gives out sex so easily nowadays with no love. I think it's much easier to just give up both." He added.

"Give up both?" I asked.

He nods. "Haven't had sex for eight years."

Wow!

Eight years of no sex. A twenty-four year old oozingly handsome man haven't had sex for eight freaking years.

You ask me to believe on that shit? Hell no!

I finished my glass before asking this next question. I'm too embarrassed to ask so I didn't look at him. "When was the last time you kissed a girl?"

"A while ago." He answered.

I blushed.

"Before me." I shied.

"Well, same. Eight years."

I pulled my head up to him and was surprised. "You ask me to believe that shit?"

I think he's blushing now.

"I'm not asking you to believe me. I'm just telling you the truth." He answers.

What he's saying is even impossible. He's such a great kisser but why hasn't he been doing it?

"You have STDs, don't you?" I couldn't help but ask. It's the only thing I thought of the reason why.

But he laughs.

Oh god he laughed.

"I'm fucking clean." He answered.

"Then are you gay?" I asked again.

"Straight as hell."

"Then what's your deal? You said, it's been eight years since you haven't kissed a girl, but you kissed me. Why? I thought you don't like me? You hated me so much the first time you met me."

"I don't hate you. It's not that I don't like you Savannah."

I stared at him eagerly. Trying to study him but I fail.

"I just don't want to like you or anyone else around me. I don't want to date anymore. I don't want to be in a relationship again." He added.

"I. Don't. Want. Love." He speaks clearly, pausing on every word as if he's talking to a deaf person.

"Why?" My voice turns into a whisper.

I don't know where this conversation is going now. It's pointless.

"I just..." He folds his arms again.

"You just what?" I urge him to continue his sentence.

He exhales.

"I don't know. But all I know is that I'm attracted to you." He says.

I felt my world stop turning and the angels were singing in chorus.

"I'm very attracted to you Savannah." He repeats.

My heart leaps.

__________

SFTC:

Heart's Content (Strings Mix) - Brandi Carlile