Holding on to you

I’m the worse best friend in the world.

When I called Jessy from the bathroom adjoining Killian’s room to tell her about the Paris thing, she was upset and kinda hurt that I didn’t tell her about signing up. But I couldn’t tell her that it was all a lie, that Killian made the entire program up because he didn’t trust me to not fall into Jason’s arms.

“You’ve been acting strangely for the past four months, I can tell that something is going go, but what I don’t understand is why you don’t trust me enough to tell me. You never use to keep secrets from me before, why are you starting now?”

I felt the guilt eat away at me as I prepared myself to tell her another lie. I held the phone to my ears, clutching it tightly in my hands and sighed.

“Jessy, I’m fine just trust me, it was just that I thought I’d never get pick for this program that’s why I was so anxious.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me about this, I could have entered with you, we could have gone together? I don’t know Lil, something isn’t right this is unlike you.”

I closed my eyes and rest my head against the bathroom door. The clear hurt in her voice tore at my heart, I felt like after all this was said and done I’d lose my best friend and I couldn’t have that. So I made a decision right there that I was going to tell her the truth, I needed her in my life because I knew that when Killian realised that he no longer needs me I’ll be left picking up the pieces of my heart alone.

“Jessy, you’re right, something is wrong, I’ve made a big mistake but I can’t get myself out of it.”

I heard her rustling about then what sound like a door closing.

“You can tell me anything Lilly, I’m your best friend I’d never judge. I’m sure whatever it is we can figure out together.”

She made it sound so easy like all I have to do wave a magic wand and all my problems would go away. But what she didn’t know was that I can never get back what I gave to Killian, and all the pain and his extreme form of sex those I can never ever undo. I didn’t even know if Jason would forgive me when he finds out that I slept with Killian.

“I wish it was as easy as that Jessy, but this is really big… I’ve screwed up Jessy, I’ve screwed up big time”

I heard the worry and concern in her voice as she spoke.

“Lilly, you’re scaring me, please tell me what happened?”

I knew I was going to tell her, but I also knew that I couldn’t do it over the phone. I needed it to be in person so that she wouldn’t have a choice but to hear me out and hopefully forgive me.

“It’s better if I tell you in person. I’ll be over in twenty minutes.”

“But don’t you have a flight to catch in an hour?” She asked confused.

I paused for a bit then answered.

“I promise I’ll explain everything when I get there.”

I knew that she wanted me to tell her over the phone but after a while, I managed to convince her that it would be better if I came to her house, because I didn’t only have to tell her something but I needed to show her as well.

I quickly got up from sitting on the size of the tub and made my way out of the bathroom. As I stepped out I saw Killian standing by the window looking out. He was wearing his signature faded jeans that were riding low on his hip with the button undone. His ripped toned muscles were on display for all to see as he didn’t have a shirt on, another norm with him. I don’t know what it is with him and shirts but he doesn’t seem to like them very much.

I stood there admiring him and considering how to bridge the subject of him taking me to Jessy’s. I started biting my lips as I walked over to him, my hands on the button of the shirt I was wearing, working to do them up. I swallowed the lump in my throat then took a deep breath to try and calm my jumpy nerves.

“Killian, I um… I would li-like to vis―”

Strong arms came around my waist and pulled me up against an equally strong chest. I gasped, startled from the sudden impact. I looked up at him shocked and a tad bit confused. The stormy look in his face showed me exactly what he was thinking and what was on his mind.

I put my hands on his chest in order to gain my footing and hopefully get him to put some space between us.

“Killian?”

Something like anger flashed in his eyes before it was replaced with intense lust. His hands tightened around me, crushing me closer to him.

“Shut up, Red, what I’m about to do to you doesn’t involve talking.”

I gasped and was about to protest, but I suddenly found myself being spun around. Killian trapped my hands to my side, grabbing hold of the shirt he swiftly ripped it open. He walked us closer to the window until my body was pressed up against it. The cold glass on my skin made me shiver and I tried to move, but Killian wouldn’t let me, I was trapped.

He pressed his lips to my neck causing goosebumps to break out on my skin and a soft moan to escape my lips. The now unbutton shirt was discarded on the ground and I could only imagine how provocative I looked pressed up naked against the window. However, I was too turned on to care.

Killian raised my hands above my head placing them on the glass. My breathing became laboured as he moved my hair aside and trailed feather kisses along my neck. I squirmed under his touch.

“Stop moving, Red, stay still for me baby.”

Hearing him call me baby did all kind of weird and sexy things to my body. I closed my eyes and enjoy the sensation and the feel of him pressed up behind me.

He moved me slightly from the window, but just enough for him to grab hold of my breast. A wanton moan spilled from my lips and I almost slide down the window, but he held me up. From behind me, he used his foot to push my legs apart then I felt his hand as it touched my stomach then slid down between my thighs.

When his hand make contact with me I started to go all kinda crazy. I started panting so hard that I was scared I would run out of breath. My moans got so loud that Killian released my breast to cover my mouth. Then his hand dropped to my throat and I instantly stiffened.

“K-Killian, no, please.”

I pleaded, but I knew it was fruitless. From the moment he grabbed me and I saw that look in his eyes I knew that it would have led to this. I was hoping that it wouldn’t but I knew… I knew.

“Shh, it’s ok Red, remember what I taught you?”

I nodded my head and I felt him place a tender kiss on my hair as his hand around my throat slightly tightened. The hands I had against the glass reached for the one around my neck, but Killian squeezed a little harder.

“Hands back on the window, Red,” He growled in my ear.

I quickly put my hands back and tried not to panic when it felt like I was running out of air. To reward me for my obedience he loosened the grip on my neck, allow me to breathe.

I slumped against him and take in a big gulp of hair, my heart was beating so fast it felt like it was about to come right out of my chest. It wasn’t even ten seconds before I felt him grip tightened again, this time I didn’t fight against it, I relaxed my body as much as I could and found my happy place.

Although it felt like I was dying I never moved. The burning in my lungs intensified and I swear I started to see stars. My hands wanted to grab hold of something, but all I could do was press them against the glass when it got too much and I couldn’t bear it anymore I felt him let go.

I greedily sucked up as much air as I could until I started choking on it. My hands automatically went to my throat as I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. I couldn’t help it, I broke down and started crying. My body went limp against him and he held me up as I cried. I could still feel the drumming of my heart which was too afraid to slow down. In an instant, my body started shaking terribly and I didn’t care.

I knew that I wasn’t following his rules, but after feeling like I was going to dies, I didn’t give a f**k about his rules.

He turned me around to face him but I turned my head to the side, I didn’t want to see his face. I was pissed off and at that moment I hated him. I hated him for ruining my life and making me lie to my best friend, I hated him for making me lose the only guy I’ve ever loved, I just hated him for being him.

He grabbed my jaw and turned my face to him, forcing me to look at him. but I just glared at him, I let all of my scorn and hatred show in my face. However, all he did was wiped the tears away and kissed me.

I struggled in his arms, but it was no use his hold was too firm and I was still weak from what he put me through. He pulled and tugged at my lips, but I wouldn’t allow him entrance. Using his hands, he grabbed my ass and lifted me, forcing me to wrap my legs around his waist for support. He bit down on my lips harder and still, I refused to open up for him.

Growling against my lips, he moved a little away from the window then slammed me up back against it, knocking all of the air out of me. My mouth opened up as I gasped from the shock and pain, and he took that to his advantage. At the point, I gave up fighting because I realised that he wasn’t beyond hurting me to get what he wanted.

As my body relaxed against his in acceptance I felt his kiss become softer, more sensual. Then we were moving from the window and I felt the softness of the bed against my back, it was a welcome relief from the hard cold glass.

Killian broke the kiss and looked at me, and we just stared at each other for a good few seconds before he asked,

“Tell me what you’re thinking, Red?”

You wanna know what I’m thinking? Ok, I’ll tell you exactly what I’m thinking you shit face!

“I think you’re a sick, f**king bastard with some serious mommy issues, and I despise you right now.”

His eyes darkened and a look of anger, rage and murder too over his features. He got up from the bed and started stripping off his jeans, but his eyes never left me. And when he came back to the bed and between my thighs, the look was still in his eyes. I tried my best to keep up my bravado, but I could feel myself slowing losing it. Then a whimper escaped me and I saw him smirk.

Grabbing both of my legs he lifted it higher on his waist, the sadist smirk still evident on his face beautiful face. It was almost sinful for someone that possessed such beauty to have such a dark soul.

“Is that so, well, this should make it easier for you to hate me.”

Fear filled my eyes, and I whimpered again, but this time it was followed by my terrified shaking. He laughed a humourless laugh at my cowardice, clearing enjoying the fear he was instilling in me. then his face got serious and he said,

“Don’t worry Red, it’s better you hate than to fall in love with me.”

I don’t get to decipher what he meant by that because before I knew it, his lips were on me again and my hands were being handcuffed to the bed.