Holding on to you

Killian P. O. V

“What the f**k Killian! You can’t just leave her in there like that!”

Kinsley pushed on my chest to get me to move out of the way, but I stood where I was. Folding my arms, I leaned against the door blocking her entrance.

“Stay the f**k out of this, Kinsley!”

My sister was just as stubborn as me, so she ignored the warning in my voice and pushed on my chest once more. I didn’t even know why I was upset, but just the thought of Red loving me pissed me off.

I didn’t want or need her love and the sooner she realised it the better-off her life would be.

“You’re such a heartless bastard, Killian! You don’t deserve her; you’re turning all of her light into darkness!”

I didn’t let her statement get to me, even though I knew that she was right. I knew she was too good for me, but I didn’t care because she was mine. And I indeed wanted to darken her soul, just as my own was dark.

Kinsley’s face showed her anger but it was now mixed with pity and sadness. I frowned and put my guard up, I could damn well do without her pity!

She took a small step closer to me, the anger on her face replacing understanding. Placing her hand on my cheeks, she tapped lightly, a sad smile adorning her face.

“You don’t need to live in darkness, Killi, there’s no harm in letting a little light into your life. Lilly is your beacon, stop trying to put out her glow.”

My entire body froze up; I didn’t care too much for her words. She was starting to piss me off and in order to stop myself from doing or saying something that I might regret, I stepped aside.

Kinsley pushed passed me, almost knocking me over. I watched as she rushed into the room then into the bathroom, where you could still hear the rush of water and soft whimpering sounds.

The place where my heart should be squeezed and a remorseful feeling swallowed me up. I frowned because the feeling was alien to me, I’ve never before felt sorry for anything I’ve done, so I couldn’t understand why I was starting now.

I pushed the feeling aside, refusing to analyse it further, instead, I watched as my sister untied my wife and wrapped her in a white Egyptian towel. She was shaking so hard I could almost hear her bones knocking together, and again that remorseful feeling took over me.

However, this time instead of pushing it aside I let myself feel it. Seeing my girl looking so vulnerable broke something inside of me, and I knew that I was the one who caused it.

“Oh honey, you’re freezing and shaking like a leaf. Let’s get you warmed up.”

Red nodded her head, but with the way she was shaking it was hard to detect. I stood in the middle of the room with my hands in my jeans pocket, not saying a word. Red looked up at me as she passed with Kinsley, but she quickly tucked her head back down again.

Kinsley guided her over to the bed and helped her in, after making sure that the sheet as securely tucked around her, she busied herself with finding her comfortable clothes.

When she had the clothes in her hands I walked up to her and took them away. My stubborn sister tightened her grip on them and glared at me.

“What do you think you’re doing, Killian?”

I clenched my fist and tried to not let my anger at her show. I definitely wasn’t in the mood to deal with her bullheadedness.

“Kins, just give me the damn clothes and leave!”

I tugged a bit on it, but she held on for a while before letting go. However, she didn’t leave right away, instead, she folded her arms and continued to glare at me. I tried my best to hold onto my temper, but it was getting harder and harder.

“Kinsley, you’re only going to make it worse for her.”

I spoke as softly as I could, hoping to get her to understand, but my stubborn sister just glared at me harder. She looked about ready to take me on and I was losing grip on my temper.

“I-it’s okay K-Kins, you can l-leave.”

Both of us turned at the sound of Red’s voice. Her cheeks were flushed and the colour was starting to return to her skin. Although her skin was still pale it looked less ashen and her lips were losing the pale blue colour.

Kinsley’s hand fell away from the clothes and she moved to sit on the bed beside Red. Taking her still shaking hand into her own, she rubbed lightly.

“Are you sure, sweetie because I can stay as long as you want, no matter how much the big bad wolf huff and puff?”

A lone tear slide down her face and she nodded while wiping it away with her free hand. Again I felt my heart squeeze.

“Yeah, I’m s-sure.”

Kinsley lingered for a while, but eventually, she got up and left, but not before glaring at me and promising to return later to check on her.

When the door was closed I walked over to the bed, and Red followed my every move with her eyes. I could see the distrust and uncertainty as she grabbed the sheet and held it in place.

Wordlessly, I undid her grip on the sheet and removed it completely from the bed. She whimpered and curled herself into a ball. Her frightened state started to piss me off, of course, I wanted her scared and frightened but not like that.

“Look at me, baby.”

Slowly she raised her head and looked at me, her eyes were rounded and filled with unshed tears.

I held out my hand to her, she looked at it for a while before placing hers in mine. Her hand was still a bit cold but I could feel the heat coming back into it. Closing my hand over hers I tugged slightly, causing her to raise up, then without waiting for her to complain, I pulled her to me and wrapped my hands around her, burying my face in her damp hair.

She hesitated for a few seconds, but she wrapped her hands around me, gripping at my shirt. Her soft sobs soaked into my clothes causing my hold on her to tighten.

We stayed like that for a while, but when she was sobered enough she whispered the three words that I wanted her to say before.

“I hate you.”

The satisfaction that I thought would come from hearing them was lost on me, instead, I felt confused and mildly disappointed. As I held her I thought back to when the meaning of the word love changed for me.

Flashback

“Love! I’ll tell you what love is, it’s nothing but a weak emotion that fools believe in!

I watched, scared, as my father unbuckled the belt at his waist. This was nothing new to me, I’ve been at the end of his belt more times than I can count, had more broken bones than there are in my body. However, every time I saw his belt that dreadful fright still held me captive.

My eyes never left the instrument of my torture, with the release of every loop my heart kicked up just a little. I tried to prepare myself for what’s to come, but I knew that no amount of preparation could ever prepare a child for the kind of abuse my father set out to inflict.

“I’ll tell you, something son,” he said as the last loop was released from the belt, “Never ever, depend on or accept love from anyone because you’ll be giving them access to take you down.”

A sadistic smirk lit up his features as he raised the belt and brought down the first strike. A small whimper escaped me even though I tried to hold it in.

“Love… you’d do well to live without it.”

End flashback

As a child I craved love, I would always try to do things to please my father, and I didn’t understand why God would take my mother away from me. However, after trying and failing to get the emotion that I so desperately needed, I realised that I was better off. I realised that the only way forward was to demand respect and authority, love had no place in my life and it never will.

I scooped Red up in my arms and laid us both in the bed, pulling the covers over us, I held her closed with her head tucked under my chin.

When I was sure she was sleeping, I ran my hand up and down her back, loving the feel of her silky soft skin.

“I’m sorry, baby. I wish I could let you go, but I’m incapable of living without you, you’re my obsession.”

She sighed, snuggling up closer to me, I kissed her head and closed my eyes, letting sleep take me.