Finding Forgiveness

As we waited for Doctor Amanda, I sat with Ella, watching her carefully.

“What’s happening to me, Leo?” she asked. “I feel so ill and weak and all I want is my medication.”

“The Doctor is on her way,” I reassured. “Everything’s gonna be okay.”

“Will they let me have more pills?”

I sighed, “I don’t know. They seem to be doing you more harm than good.”

“I need them,” she said. “I can’t cope without them. You’re the Alpha, you can make them give them to me, right?”

Unwilling to make any promises, “we’ll see,” was my only response.

It had been two weeks since they since the nightmare that nearly led to me overdosing. Four days of that time had been spent in hospital being slowly and painfully withdrawn from the medication before the Doctor stopped giving it to me altogether.

The rest of the time, I had spent wallowing at home in a whole lot of misery. I’d moved on from the initial overwhelming flood of emotions and now everything felt sort of… unreal. My mind was a fog of confusion filled with hallucinations and fear, the world some strange reflection of reality and my emotions anything from spiralling depression to nothing at all.

The Doctor’s said it was normal after withdrawal from benzos but that didn’t help my desperation to just feel normal again.

I was out in the forest, laying amongst the leaves on the forest floor, staring up through the branches at the folds of charcoal cloud, rolling across the sky in their thick fleets of grey. The air had turned to a bitter chill and the once gentle breeze had whipped up to the early blows of a gale. Even down on the sheltered ground, loose wisps of my hair danced at the edges of my face.

The crows and ravens had left their roosting perches in the trees to patrol the skies, painting endless feathery circles in the darkest of inks. They croaked and screamed and cried and shrieked, usurping the final signs of peace from the forest.

Soon enough, a single drop of rain fell onto my forehead and dripped down the bridge of my nose. I felt the smoothness of its movement and closed my eyes as another fell onto my cheek and then my hand and then my foot.

“Ella,” a voice said from a few metres away.

I reopened my eyes to see Leo stood, his hair blowing in the wind and a soft expression on his lips. It’d been nearly all day since I left the house for what was meant to be a short walk so I had no reason to be surprised that he’d come to find me now.

“There’s a storm coming,” he told me.

“I know,” I sighed.

“Let me take you home,” he replied walking closer.

“No,” I said. “I want to feel the rain. I want to feel something real.”

I closed my eyes again and for a few moments, neither of us said a thing.

When I heard his footsteps approach me, I opened my eyes expecting him to coerce me to my feet. But then he simply sat down and then lay next to me.

“Then let me feel it with you,” he said.

I smiled and my hand made my way to his as the droplets fell on us.

We must have laid there for half an hour. The rain slowly got heavier until it was pelting down, at which point we decided to go in.

We raced towards the house, hand in hand, the rain lashing us. When we got through the door into the warm house I let out a laugh at the sight of Leo. He was totally drenched to the skin.

He smiled, “I don’t know what your laughing at. You should see your hair.”

He then headed living room, dripping as he went before returning with a blanket.

He wrapped it around me and brushed the wet strands of hair out of my eyes.

“Real enough for you?” he asked.

I nodded.

“How about a nice warm fire?”

“That would be lovely.”

Half an hour later, we had escaped our squelching clothes and snuggled in warm blankets in front of a crackling fire.

“I think things are finally getting better,” I said as I lay with my head rested on his chest as he gently played with my hair.

“Oh yeah?” he asked.

I nodded.

“Life is bearable again,” I replied.

“That’s the best news I’ve ever heard.”

I took his hand and squeezed, “I don’t know what I’d do without you. I know this has been hard for you too but you’ve been so understanding and patient. And you always say the right things and know how to comfort me.”

“What else would I have done?” he asked. “I’m your mate. I was just doing whatever I could to help you.”

“I know. It’s what you’ve always done so thank you,” I said. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he replied kissing my head.

I rested my head back onto his chest and watched the flickering flames on the hearth. They were so warming and relaxing that I found myself slipping into a soft sleep in a matter of minutes.

Two months later…

It was a sunny Sunday morning. The sun shone into the library and there was a gentle breeze through the open windows as I sat on the carpet playing with Stefano and Zacharias. Leo was out working but Max sat on the other side of the room with the twins on his lap reading to them as we listening to the crashing of Cato, Mathias, Silas and Lili playing in one of their bedrooms.

But even still it was peaceful.

I felt like myself again and I was happy. I could be a mother to my children again and just simply enjoy life. The nightmares were fading and every day the hugs and cuddles with Leo grew longer as the memories of Andrea being touched could trigger became less painful. My progress and recovery was slowly and predominantly made up of the occasionally little step but we’d both agreed there was no need to rush it.

Just then the doorbell rang. Max looked up and stopped reading.

“Don’t stop the story,” I said. “I’ll get it.”

I left Max and the kids upstairs before heading down to answer the door.

There was nobody stood on the doorstep, just a small white envelope. I picked it up to see my name written in an elaborate hand on the front.

Except it wasn’t my name. Not the name I went by anyway.

Ella Martinez

I looked up into the forest. Everything was as still as ever. I then ripped open the envelope and tipped out the contents.

A silver ring fell out onto my palm with a large glistening diamond. It shone beautifully in the daylight yet I shuddered at the sight of it. It was a ring that had belonged to me that I had discarded into some Venezuelan jungle months ago, thinking I’d never have to set my eyes on it again.