Finding Forgiveness

It was suffocating and squeezing me and I just couldn’t bear it.

I took one look at Leo. He was still asleep. Then I opened my bedside drawer and grabbed the jar of pills.

There were only fifteen or so left.

That will be enough to? numb it all? and everything will be bearable again.

Leo’s POV

I could feel myself drifting out of sleep. I don’t know what brought me to. Whether she made a noise or if it was just pure instinct but thank the Goddesses I did.

I opened my eyes to see Ella sat up in the bed with the empty pill bottle in one hand and at least a dozen pills in the other.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

Her eyes snapped to me and I noticed the tear stains on her cheeks and how she shook. She hadn’t cried in weeks. Not since she started taking the pills.

“It’s all come flooding back,” she said. “And I can’t bear it.”

Her eyes flicked back down to her hand with the pills.

“I need to be numb again,” she added in a whisper.

Realisation came with a deep sinking feeling in my stomach.

She opened her mouth and lifted her hand.

“No,” I said, grabbing her wrist and stopping her. “You can’t take that many, Ells. You’ll kill yourself.”

My hand on her wrist must have triggered more terrible memories because I could sense her panic rising. She then began to fight against me, trying to bring the pills to her mouth.

“Ella,” I repeated.

“You don’t understand,” she sobbed as I knocked the pills out of her hand and they scattered all over the bedsheet.

I had to grab both her hands to stop her picking them up which only panicked her more so she began to kick and push me.

She screamed and desperately cried and fought more and more and I ended up having to straddle her and pin her to the mattress. The fear in her eyes was torturous. I couldn’t even imagine the pain I was inflicting but I could think of no other way to stop her from harming herself.

“Ella, please listen to me,” I said in a tone as calm as possible. “You can not take that many pills.”

She shook her head and screamed again.

At that point, the bedroom door creaked open and a blonde little head popped in.

“Daddy?” Cato asked rubbing his sleepy eyes. “What’s happening. Is Mama alright?”

“She’s fine, sweetheart,” I replied. “Go back to bed.”

He was a smart kid and I wasn’t convincing him at all. He peered round to Ella who I still held down.

“Are you fighting?” he asked. “Are you hurting her?”

“Cato, go back to your room,” I repeated as I tried to hide how hard Ella was struggling. “We’ll talk about this in the morning.”

His lip quivered as his big blue eyes looked up fearfully.

“Cato,” I said sternly. “Go.”

He nodded and slowly stepped away, closing the door behind him.

I reached for my phone by the bed and dialled Luca’s number.

“I need you to come over. Now,” I said once he had picked up.

“Sure but why?” he questioned.

“Something’s happened with Ella and I need you to keep the kids away while I help her. I don’t want them to be any more involved than they already are,” I replied. “Be as quick as you can.”

I then hung up, put my phone down and after gathering the pills up in my hand and putting them securely back into the jar I loosened my grip on Ella.

She immediately scrambled out from under me and sat paralysed against the headboard, breathing heavily.

I reached forward for her hand but she flinched and I recoiled. She was pale but her forehead bore a thin layer of sweat. Her lips had a blue tinge and she shook all over as tears still streamed.

I reached for my phone again but this time called the hospital.

“I need a Doctor sent to my house immediately,” I demanded.

“Of course, Alpha,” the man on the other end replied. “I’ve paged Doctor Amanda. What’s going on?”

“My Luna woke up about ten minutes ago ready to overdose on her medication. I stopped her but she’s pale, blue, sweating and shaking,” I replied. “I don’t know if it’s withdrawal from the meds or something else and I want her checked immediately.”

“Of course. She’ll be there in ten minutes,” he said.

I closed my eyes and sighed, “Thank you.”

I then hung up and sat back down opposite her.

Just then the doorbell rang.

“That will be Luca,” I said. “Will you be okay here while I let him in?”

She made no response so I picked up the pill bottle and went downstairs.

“How is she?” was Luca’s first question.

I shook my head, “Not good.”

“What happened?”

“She’s been on those meds that numb her emotions for weeks and I guess she built up a tolerance or something because it all came flooding back tonight. I woke up to her about to take like 15 benzos pills and when I stopped her, she freaked out. Cato woke up and came into to me pinning her down as she screamed and struggled. How am I meant to explain that to a seven-year-old?” I replied.

“You focus on Ella,” he replied. “I’ll talk to Cato.”

I nodded, “They’re probably all awake. I don’t know how they could have slept through it.”

Five minutes later, Luca was sat in Cato’s room with Silas, Mathias, Fran, Marie and Lili attempting to explain in the most child-friendly way what has been going on with their mother for the last few months. There’s no use keeping it from them; they’re going to find out one day and easing them into it was probably the best way. Besides, they knew something was up, there was no hiding that, so keeping them in the dark was probably doing my harm than good.