Too Beautiful for the Alpha

Chapter 19

It has been almost a week since I've seen James and I can't help but worry. What if he's never coming

back for me? What if it was all a lie? I can't die here alone. I just can't. These last few days I've put all

my eggs in one basket. Tonight I sit in bed, waiting like the past few nights. My tiredness has been

scared off by excitement and anxiety and a thumping heart.

After another hour, I can't help but lay down. As much as I fight myself, my eyes can't help but close—

I'll open them abruptly once I feel myself falling asleep—but soon I'm oblivious to everything around

me. I am submerged in a dreamland.

It feels like only a few minutes later when there's a gentle hand on my arm. At first, I think that I'm

dreaming something incredibly realistic, but when my eyes open and the familiar shadowed corners of

my bedroom appear, I immediately look up. James is sat on my bed, looking down at me. He takes his

hand off of my arm and says quietly, "I'm sorry for waking you."

With my brain still asleep, my eyes roll to the small clock on my bedside table from when I was thirteen.

It's a retro, pink, ugly clock whose smoldering digits tell me that I've been asleep for almost an hour. I

then peer back to James and blink a few times before slowly sitting up in my sheets, not registering

anything. "You're here?" I mumble, rubbing my puffy eyes.

"Yes. I'm sorry I had to come so late."

His voice wraps around me like ribbon. "That's okay. Are we leaving now?"

"No. Not tonight," he says softly. "I should let you get back to sleep."

"No," I protest, sounding more awake. "I'm fine. Don't go." He nods, but before he can speak, my tired

mind finds it best to bring up the things that have been bothering me the past few days. "Why did you

do it? Sleep with her, I mean."

James looks off at the open window. "I don't know anymore," he says then looks back to me. "I'm sure

it was to make myself believe that I didn't need you. To forget about you. To stop thinking about you. To

force myself to believe I could be with someone else."

I rest against my headboard and bring my knees to my chest, not willing to let go of the warmth in my

bed. The open window allows the cold bleed inside. James seems to notice this because he gets up to

close it. "Can you?" I ask.

He slides the glass down and turns to me. "I can't forget about you. I can't get you off of my mind." He

nears me and sits back down.

"Can you be with someone else?"

"No," he breathes out. "I can't."

Satisfaction fills me. "I want to go back to your pack. I don't want to be here."

"Is it really so bad?"

I sigh. "My mother tells everyone that we didn't work out, so now she's trying to introduce me to other

people."

James looks interested. "Other people?"

"Other guys. There's this guy named Noah—"

"Noah? Who's Noah?"

"I'll tell you if you'll let me," I say, somewhat fueled to carry on, to give him a taste of his own medicine.

"He's this guy, and his mate died two years ago. Our mothers are friends, so my mom is trying to set us

up. It's sad and awkward. She thinks I'm crazy because I won't let you go. But she doesn't know all of

this; what's happened. Do you see why I can't stay here now?"

James grabs my hand, and my eyes drop to the wanted connection. "You don't know how bad I want to

take you back, Rae."

"Then take me back. I'll sneak off of the land with you. I've snuck off of yours before."

"What?"

"James," I say, changing the subject, "please. I don't want to stay here any longer. What could be so

bad between you and Alpha Waters?"

"It's complicated."

I cross my arms. "Well, next time then?"

"Hopefully next time. I can't promise anything, but things are looking good as of now."

There is a moment of silence between us, and I can hear the crickets outside. I can't help but yawn.

"Aren't you tired?"

James squeezes my hand that is still in his two. "I can't be. I have to be alert to slip past the guards at

the borders."

"I know, but it is one in the morning." On a limb, I say, "You should lay down. At least for a bit." He gives

me an unsure look, so I scoot to the other side of my bed. "I know you're tired."

I don't know what it is inside of me that wants him to lay down so badly. The clash of my old life and

new life is pushed to the back of my head, and all I want is to be close to him while I can, knowing he

has to leave soon. The empty feeling when he's gone makes me needy.

"Rae—" James starts, but I stop him.

"Will you just let me be close to you? I've been pushed away for so long—I just want to be close to

you." I can't help but move back, grabbing his hands as he did mine. "I just want a connection." My

eyes wander down to his lips unknowingly, almost telling him what I want. He steadily moves closer

until his forehead is against mine, and I can't help it. I bring my lips to his, bringing back a familiar

sensation. He is careful, slow, testing to see if this is something he is allowed to do.

It can't be any more different than the first time when he pushed me against the wall and kissed me.

When I gave in for only a second then pushed away. This time is better, less angry, more openly

wanted. It's slow. It's full of caution. I'm taking him back to the beginning as if this is our first kiss, and

the other one didn't exist. This is my first kiss in my mind.

I improvise, trying to do what seems right, but no anxious feelings are bubbling inside of me. James

knows what he's doing, and I don't know if I like that or not. I think I will, but I can't help but wish he was

just as inexperienced as I. I hope he doesn't realize I'm an amateur at such things. That girl, the green-

eyed ghost must know what's she's doing.

His hand comes up to my cheek, his skin cold and fresh, stealing the warmth from within me. We

continue to move gently in unison until he begins to pull away. James' hand brushes past my jaw and

falls once we're apart. He looks into my eyes. "I'll lay down for a bit."

I move over again and watch as he lays down beside me. He looks calm, tired but relaxed. My scent

must be rocking him to sleep, and knowing this makes me happy.

I steadily lay down beside him, nervous to be facing him but finding it awkward if I didn't. The sight of

his head on my pillow seems unreal, and I can't help but contemplate the chances of this being a

dream. My younger self would surely think so. A man in this bed of denial—back then it was as likely as

the earth being flat.

Natural reactions come for me, and I close my eyes.

My sleep is deep and endless, but not frightening.

When I wake in the morning, he is gone.

I sit in bed for a while, wishing he was still here, wanting to know what it would feel like to wake up next

to him. He is my green-eyed girl, he sneaks in at night, stays, then leaves before I wake up.

I want to be back at his pack; I want to be understood. Ever since James has opened up, my feelings

towards him have grown. His scent lingers on my bed like a distant memory, and I lay for moments

longer just to soak it all in until it completely fades away. I don't want to wait another five days to see

him. I want him now, all the time, no boundaries, no pack issues, no worries, but forgiveness,

acceptance, and love.

I could love him. I could really love him. When I close my eyes, I see it. The choices he's made have

been wrong ones, but I have to try at least and understand. He slept with her to prove to himself that he

doesn't need me. He does. He needs me. Shouldn't I be happy? Why can't I stop thinking about the

green-eyed girl and her creeping steps down the hall?

When I go back, I never want to see her again. She will never be allowed at the pack house, even

within a specific range of James. I know it's not her fault, but she saw me, and she didn't stop. She

could have asked who I was. She could have told James that she knew I was there. She could have

apologized that night when I told her to leave. She's not sorry. She's not a bit sorry. She's only sorry for

herself.

With my head against my pillow, I focus in on the diary and roll away. Are all women touched by those

men some version of insane? If he touches me, will I become infected too? Has it already happened?

My head is a jungle.

I don't know what to believe anymore. Is Julianna right? Is her mate, James good or bad? Is my James

lying to me? Does the green-eyed girl still creep through those halls? Am I never leaving this house?

Will James continue to tell me 'next time, next time' whenever he sneaks in at night?

Part of me thought he would be here when I woke up. Part of me thinks he dreams about us as I do.

Some things I just can't convince my entire self of.

When he's here, I'll believe every word he says. When he's in my bed, I can't help but think of doing

everything he says. The bond is dangerous. I don't know if it is leading me towards happiness or

disappointment. I want to trust James, I really do.

Later in the day, I walk towards my pack house with my head held high. A guard stops me on my way,

asking what my business is being so close. I tell him that I am Alpha Grant's mate and the guard looks

unsure. "Ask the Alpha yourself then. I'm supposed to be meeting with his Luna."

The guard walks me to the door and one of the house workers answers. "She says she's meeting with

the Luna," the guard reports.

"The Luna? The Luna is off with the children this afternoon. Are you sure? Who are you?" The house

worker asks me.

"Look, I'm Alpha Grants Mate, and I just need to talk with Alpha Waters."

"You said you were meeting with the Luna," the guard traps me and grabs my arm, ready to drag me

away.

"I'm Alpha Grants Mate. I'm not lying," I counter firmly, not willing to give up. "I'm the Luna of the Grant

Pack, now let go of me!"

"Sure you are," the Guard mutters and pulls me back.

A robust and familiar voice from inside nears the door. "What is it, Wendy?"

My Alpha takes the house workers place in the door, and his eyes seem to shift from the sight of me.

He knows. He must know. "Alpha Waters. I need to talk to you, please."

Alpha Waters motions for the guard to let go of me and shoo, and the guard obeys immediately. He

brings me inside and sits me down in his office, a place I never thought I would be in. Only very

important people or very bad people come in here. I hope he doesn't see me as a bad one for James'

possible conflicts with him.

Alpha Waters takes his seat, and I hold my strength. "I'm sorry for coming unannounced. I should

probably explain—"

"I know who you are. I know your position. Though I do wonder why you are here and not at the Grant

Pack."

"That's actually why I came to talk with you," I say, trying to keep my voice smooth. "I'm here to talk

about the issues between The Grant Pack and your Pack."

"Issues?" Alpha Waters questions, confusing me.

"Yes, the problems you have with Alpha Grant."

"There are no issues between our packs, Miss East. You must have gotten mixed up somewhere. The

Grant Pack and the Waters Pack are very much allies in the past and present."