The Soldier Next Door

It is early morning on a rather miserable Thursday that we are heading towards camp south of Nasiriya on this 20th March. To say that we are anxious and rather unsettled would be a blatant lie. We are nearing the end of what will be the major of our attempt to take over the forces in the City.

I have been looking forward to this mission for a great number of days, but since the departure of Ana, there is no other place that I would rather be than home at this present moment.

We have been told this should be a quick in and out and should not last beyond two weeks, but we are preparing ourselves for a month as things never seem to go as planned when it comes to the forces in this Country.

But I am set to get this mission over as fast as I possibly can with as few casualties as we had in Fallujah. My only true mission is that little bundle of smiles that is waiting for me when I get back home. This will, but I am not going to say that rather adamantly confirmed, but I shall not be going onto a mission for a while, perhaps not even in the near-immediate future.

What Ana has done, well, that hatred is still laying firm, and perhaps getting out in the field is just that distraction that I am going to need to get this anger off my chest. I have never, not even on the field, been so stirred to the core that I want to lay waste to anything that I lay my eyes on. This needs to be my outlet to get this off my heart so that I can be the best father.

Because for sure as fuck, there is not even the best version of a mother at this present moment.

Though I need to put that aside for this distraction of what I feel towards Ana is what will get me killed. And god knows that this time I have a lot more to get home to.

So as I am sitting waiting for us to be dropped down near camp, their emotions are not ones that go unseen by Gibbs that is very concerned with me being on this mission and not having it all together.

And with that said, he turns to me and lays his hand gently on my shoulder, “You will be home before we even know it.”

“Well,” I only but chuckle at him out of complete fear, “You just make sure that I make it safely back there.”

“Hey, you have to make sure that you help me on that one.”

“You know I always have your back. So let us make sure that we both get back home safely.” I pause for a brief moment, and with a wicked smile on my face, I turn my attention back to him, “Then you can get that girlfriend that is going to change those godawful diapers.”

Gibbs only bursts out in a fit of laughter, “As long as you do not expect this uncle to do it for you.”

And with that, we are creeping closer to the coordinates where we will be dropping down and making the way to camp. For the next few days, we will be lying low, and then we will be heading towards the City of Baghdad.

This is the last and the most important part that we will play in taking the bad apples by force and laying our ground for dominance in the area.

So it is in only but two minutes and counting that we are approaching the drop-off point. With utmost confidence, we take our place at the back of the plane, ready to make our launch out into nothing but blue skies. And as the clouds start appearing at the end of that runway to the entrance, that adrenaline that I love starts to pump through my veins.

And for one moment in a brief second, I am on top of the world, and with that exhilarating feeling comes the memory of the last time that I was here. Though I push her to the side, she is not my mission; she is not the person that I need to get home to this time.

Ana does not exist.

Lucas must be lying in my mom’s arms and having his morning bottle by now.

That is the only person that deserves every space of my past, my present, and my future.

So staring at Gibbs, I only but smile at him, for next I have him by the arm, and we are jumping into the air of nothing towards even more of nothing below us.

And yes, I fucking love this.

But let us get this over.

And over it is in mere winks of moments, and our feet are landing firmly on the ground as a group of Marines heads towards us to grab whatever else is dropping from the belly of the plain up from above.

One of these very men is a face that I am rather happy to see at this present moment. The man has been nothing but supportive, and he tried his damndest to get me out of this mission, but beyond what his power stretched, not even he was able to do that.

So here we are all together once again.

“How was the flight?” Ray comes towards me and gives me a big pat on the shoulders as he helps me shred my parachute.

“Oh, you know, bumpy as shit and not much good company on the way here.”

Gibbs only but laughs as he steps closer, “Well, the company that I was trying to entertain was not the entertaining kind.”

We all burst into a rumble and set ourselves in the direction of the camp. At first, the walk is quiet, and not much is being said. I know that not one of them wants to say anything to me out of the fear of saying anything that might bring back a flood of emotions. But the fact is that none of them even need to, for those emotions are running rampant at this very moment as I am reminded of the time that…

Ya, I should not be doing this to myself.

This is not healthy, and this is not why I am here.

I have a job to do, and I am going to do it the goddamn best that I can. Yes, I am away from my child, but I am sure that he will understand one day when we talk about this that it was something that I had to do. He will learn that when his father commits, he commits for the long run.

Just like my life is now committed to raising him in the best version of himself.

So as we are winding our way through thick brush and mud, I look up to the skies and feel that slight drizzle of rain that is now starting to come down as a trickle onto my face, and I know that I am still alive. And this, being right here, this is what drives me to do everything else better.

Yes, Lucas will understand why his father has come to a country to save these people from dying because of a wicked man that has no morals or regard for other people’s lives. But what my son will never understand is why his mother had done what she had done.

Fuck, I am still trying to figure out that myself.

Perhaps I should just read that letter, but god knows, I can’t get myself to open yet another white envelope that will bring me even more pain. And as I say that, I run my fingers over the edges where I have tucked it into my pocket. My full intention is to either destroy it without even taking a look at what is inside, or perhaps I will let my heart be ripped into slices again.

Yet, I am tired of hurting, so I can say that this might land up in the same mud that we are now treading on.

I do not, and right now I am; my mind is clogged with Ana, not because I miss her, but because I am trying to understand. But I think that I have come to the conclusion that I will never understand her, and as from this very second, I will remove any inch of her that has ever been in my head.

And what else I think it’s time to do is get rid of the only other thing that still ties me to her. So I take the envelope and start to crumple it up in my hand, and just as I am about to toss it to the ground, I have Ray next to me.

“We are moving out in three days. Are you going to be ready?”

“Ray, I promise you,” And in saying that, I let go of the envelope and flip that switch that needs to take action in my head. Confidently I find his gaze again, “I promise, I just want to get back to my son.”