Surrender Your Sensations

I stared at the big and orange setting sun in front of me. The sky was a mixture of pink, purple, and orange colors. I was standing in front of the big window of Dr. Baller’s office, wearing my original clothes early this morning while my hair was put in a loose bun. My arms were crossed in front of my chest while watching the sun to slowly bid its goodbye for the day.

I was the only person in the office because I had to change clothes from the hospital gown I wore all day. The nurse who assisted me told me, Dr. Baller and my guardian, Auntie Bernadeth and maybe Bailey, would meet me in this office to discuss the results of my tests.

The check-up went a bit longer than usual. And by that simple fact, I already knew that some bad news would greet me at the end of this day.

I hadn’t seen Aunt Bernadeth and Bailey after I was subjected to a mammogram or a breast x-ray. That was maybe after lunch. Then, I underwent a full blood test and some other medical tests to check for my vitals.

It was a long and tiring day.

“I’m nervous,” I couldn’t help but say out loud how I felt. My heart was in steady pace but my brain was in great turmoil. Slowly, my right hand rose to touch the window glass in front of me. My fingertips left marks on the window as they slowly glided down, following the slow setting of the sun in front of me.

The sunset was really mesmerizing to watch: It was the only beautiful ending I know. It’s nice to see a day ended because that means another day was about to begin.

“Mom, I’m scared,” I said while the fear inside me continued to grow. “Mom, what if my cancer comes back again and then I don’t win against it this time? Does that mean I have to leave Papa? Will I see you again?”

But there’s no sunset in human’s life. When life is done, it’s done for sure. There was no new morning – human life will never rise again when it sinks.

I closed my eyes before leaning my forehead against the window glass. This was what Mama used to do to make me feel better every time I lost in school competitions.

Those times were precious. If I could only bring that back …

“Hey, Edith. I passed by the mall while I was on the way here. I bought a cotton candy for you.”

I immediately stood up straight and simply wiped my teary eyes. I heard Bailey’s footsteps coming towards me and I readied my rehearsed smile. One thing I learned about having prosopagnosia was to always put a wide smile on my face since I couldn’t see how people around me react. It was like a defense mechanism to hide my condition and to avoid misunderstanding from people who didn’t know about my prosopagnosia.

But I suddenly thought that my excuse was just having prosopagnosia. I was forcing myself to smile because I just needed people to see me more than my vulnerabilities. This was just me trying to act tough when I was really a weakling.

“Can you face me now?”

I could feel Bailey’s presence behind me. Though she was trying to sound happy and okay, I could still hear the restrain and slight hoarseness in her voice. I also feel like she’s being too gentle to me as if I was going to break with a wrong word she’s going to say.

The last time she was like this was when I was in hospital, hopeless and desperate to die.

“My check-up took a long time today. It’s quite bothering me, Bailey,” I admitted, finally having the courage to look at her. I smiled, “I could feel it, there’s something wrong right? There’s something bad that I should expect.”

“Edith…” She avoided my gaze but how her hands clenched in her sides caught my gaze. She was trying so hard to look tough right now for me.

I kept my smile even though my lips were quivering. I reached for her right hand. I took the cotton candy she got for me before I looked behind her- “I’m ready to hear the results.”

Aunt Meredith and Dr. Baller entered the room. They looked at each other before Aunt Bernadeth nodded. I had a bad feeling about this.

I couldn’t see their faces and I was thankful for that. I didn’t want to see them in pain because of me again. Again.

I opened the plastic of cotton candy and took a pinch of it. I smiled before taking it in my mouth. “Thank you for this one, Bailey. And thank you for being here with me again.”

Bailey held one of my hands before tapping the top of my head. “We’ll get through this one,” she said knowingly before tugging my hand towards Dr. Baller’s desk where Aunt Bernadeth was sitting on the visitor’s chair across the table. “We will make it again. We will not leave you.”

“I’ll start by orienting you with the current status of your-”

“Give me the final findings, Eian. I want the truth. Please tell it to me directly,” I said without hesitation while looking intently at my doctor whom I also treated like my real brother.

Eian Baller’s mouth dropped open before he turned to look at Aunt Bernadeth who was still giggling because of my straightforwardness.

“Tell it to her, son. We’ve done this before. No need for taking it slow.” Then Auntie held my hand because I was just sitting on the visitor’s chair next to her. She clasped my hand, squeezing it lightly, as if giving me some assurance. “We will be here for Meredith no matter what.”

Dr. Baller sighed before running a hand through his hair. I know he didn’t like it when I called him Eian- because it would only remind him that I was not just a patient but his little sister. It hurt him when he accepted me as a patient. He said he couldn’t witness my suffering but I begged him to take care of me because I knew I could trust him with my life.

“Your mammogram results showed a lump on your right breast. That’s why we did further imaging tests to be definite.” Eian nodded before folding his hands over the table. Then, his hands formed into a fist. I could see his veins under his skin by the manner he was fisting his hands. He took a deep breath. “It was about five centimeters or two inches in diameter, Meredith. This is quite big for a second time. Still, we’re not sure if it’s malignant so we have to perform a breast biopsy. You know that procedure already, right? ”

Biopsy was a procedure done to detect the grade of the tumor and to help in assessing and staging the cancer once found out that it was malignant. I still got my little scar from my last biopsy.

I nodded hesitantly to Dr. Baller before taking a deep breath. The sides of my eyes started to sting because of the tears that were threatening to flow. Though, it was not still confirmed to be malignant, I didn’t want to put my hopes up like last time. It would break me.

“If ever it’s going to be malignant again, we have to discuss the treatment, Meredith.”

I felt Bailey’s hand on my shoulder as Aunt Bernadeth tightened her grip on my hand. I, on the other hand, tried to be strong, but I still ended up crying. Tears started falling but no one of them stopped me from crying.

“There would be surgery to remove the tumor. But since this was quite big, you have to undergo chemotherapy first to shrink it before proceeding to the surgery. Then, you have to undergo further treatment after the surgery depending on the grade of the cancer and its progression. It could be a radiotherapy or a chemotherapy again if the cancer spreads to your lymph nodes. ” Dr. Baller then gave me a pamphlet. He reached for my face and wiped away the tears that wouldn’t just stop from falling. “I want you to read about mastectomy, Meredith.”

“Eian!” Aunt Bernadeth gasped before she stood up. I could feel her sudden fury. “Meredith won’t take that option no matter what!”

Confused, I looked at the pamphlet given to me by Dr. Baller. On the front cover, a word mastectomy was written and a cartoon picture of a woman with no breast after a surgery.

My mouth dropped open with the trembling of my hands. I let go of the pamphlet and my cries grew louder – because of the intense fear and pain. Did I really have to remove my entire breast if my tumor was malignant?

“I’m afraid Meredith has to consider mastectomy this time, Ma. Her genetic predisposition and family history gave her a high risk of cancer. If cancer re-grows in her right breast now, then it’s not impossible for her to have it for the third time even after surviving this. ”

“Are you crazy, Eian? Meredith won’t do that!” Bailey slammed the desk before she advanced towards Dr. Baller.

“Bailey!” I was stunned when he kicked Dr. Baller’s desk.

“Fix your work, Eian! Think of another way!”

“It’s the only way to save her from the curse of her cancer, Bailey,” Eian’s calmness didn’t falter at all. He pushed away Bailey’s hand who took him by the collar of his gown. “It’s either she removes her breasts or cancer will make her suffer until her body can’t fight anymore.”

Bailey slowly backed away. “Her breasts? Are you saying both of her breasts will be removed?”

“It’s still hypothetical. But yes,” Dr. Baller turned his gaze to me. He sighed. “Meredith has to remove them to survive.”

I was deaf for a short while. I no longer heard or noticed anything around me. My world seemed to spin because of my blurred vision.

Aunt Bernadeth hugged me and I cling on to her desperately. I heard Bailey cursed and Eian remained quiet on the side.

I … I don’t know what to do.

I’m scared …