Surrender Your Sensations

When the dreamer did not stop, the dream was not impossible to reach. That’s what Mom always told me when she was still alive and I carried that principle with me in everything I do.

Probably it’s the reason why I decided to try again – even though I was a little late – I would still try to compete again in the debate competition. This time, I would make sure to make it to the nationals.

Today is Monday and I am up to get one of the remaining two spots for the roster of the official debate team. I want to compete in the regional interscholastic debate competition that is happening in a few weeks.

“Hey, Meredith! Hey!”

I turned around to see the person calling me. It took me a few seconds before I recognized that distinct pixie cut hair with blue highlights and the only tall guy I know on this campus. It’s Minzy and David. Like Cherry, I was with them as a freshman in joining Alpha Battuere. They were the people I was supposed to compete with during the nationals, two years ago. However, I got sick and I failed to join them. They were also now in their senior years.

“It’s nice to see you, guys. Are you going to the auditorium?” I asked after Minzy hugged me.

Minzy is the current president of Alpha Battuere while David is the secretary. The long two years that I was gone from school really made big changes to my friends. I’m happy for them but a small part of me envies what they’ve achieved. But don’t worry. I feel more motivated to do better – so that sooner I can achieve the things I want to achieve like them.

“So, are you really going to the audition? I’m already excited, Meredith,” Minzy squealed, giving me two thumbs up. “You can do it. I am quite confident you will get one spot in the roster. I know you are still the same debate champion who brought us to the nationals back then.”

I laughed at what she said before shaking my head. “The vice chancellor opened the audition for all the students. My chances are a bit lopsided. Our university has many good speakers and thinkers, you know.”

“Come on, Meredith. You’re not called ‘debate genius’ during High School for nothing,” David said, winking at me.

“David is right. We know your capabilities. Even if you deny or hide it, talent naturally shows. You are talented in this craft,” Minzy tapped my shoulder, showing me her support, “You’re a natural debater, girl. You can get that one of the last two spots on the roster. ”

My heart felt a satisfying warmth, hearing such compliment and motivation. The pleasure of feeling that someone believes in your abilities was something I would really not take for advantage. I would forever be thankful to people who believed in me.

“I’ll believe what you said, Minzy,” I joked to her and she immediately put her arm around my shoulders.

“I know you can do it. Cherry, David and I will be waiting for you. This time, we will fight the nationals together,” Minzy said, nudging my side when she noticed my tearied eyes.

“And we’re going to win the nationals, Meredith,” David added.

I nodded. The desire in me to get the one of the last two spots on the debate roster intensified exponentially. There was no way I would not do anything to get this chance.

“Sir Romeo and Ma’am Juliet will be part of the choosing committee for the audition. They also included the vice chancellor and the deans of the DevCom and Law department.”

I was suddenly nervous at the big names David had said. Sir Romeo and Ma’am Juliet were the coaches for the debate team. I already knew them and how high their standards were. The vice chancellor and two deans would be there too and that proved how the university wanted this win.

“Good luck, Meredith. I hope you make your curriculum vitae and essay very interesting. That’s the way to make it to the final cut,” Minzy reminded before she hugged me again. “Fighting!”

“We’ll be there to assist everyone who will audition. Don’t be shy to ask for our help if you need it,'” David said, tapping my head.

“Sure thing. Thank you, guys. Wait for me. I’ll do my best to be selected.” Then I lifted the envelope I was holding where the curriculum vitae and essay I had been watching to do over the past week were kept.

For the first round of the audition, everyone was asked to submit a curriculum vitae and a one-thousand-word essay to explain why you’re deserving to represent the school and be part of the official debate team. The top twenty students would advance to the next and final round where they would meet the choosing committee to answer a question with justification.

I waved at Minzy and David before they finally left.

I first went to the cafe to get my daily dose of coffee to start my day right. Madam Katie gave me her good luck when I told her that I would be auditioning to get into the debate team’s roster. She even offered me a week of free coffee if I was able to get in. That made me more spirited to have one of the spots.

While sipping my coffee on the way to the auditorium hall, I read the current events on my phone. Of course, I had to be ready for the second round. I was confident with everything I wrote in my essay and curriculum vitae, but the uncertainty of the second round put me to a tight edge.

Because of the tension I was feeling, I had to stop at the restroom after finishing my coffee. I did my facial exercise to remove my tension. It’s just a simple movement of the face but it really helped me a lot to calm my nerves.

“You can do it, Meredith. You’ll reach the nationals this time,” I whispered to myself before exiting the cubicle.

I went straight to the auditorium and I immediately saw other members of Alpha Battuere who, like me, were also auditioning. Most of them were sophomores and juniors. We wore the same t-shirts so I could easily find them despite the crowd. Our dear president Minzy thought of this idea. She said it’s beneficial for us to indicate we were already members of the debate organization, so that we can have an edge in the second round. It’s like actually stating that we already knew more about debate compared to the other auditionees. The chances of us being selected would increase. So yeah, that’s why we settled with our maroon org shirt saying we were members of Alpha Battuere, the official debate organization of the university.

The moment my org mates noticed me, they immediately called my name. I didn’t know who waved at me but I just waved back. I showed them my envelope, indicating I had to pass it first before I went to them. They gave a couple of thumbs up so I went straight to the queue of those who passed the requirements.

I scratched my neck when I saw the long line. I didn’t expect this audition to be this busy. I mean, if so many were interested in debating, why were there so few members of our organization?

I lined up, trying to calm my nerves. People were everywhere and it’s quite stressing me out. Their faces were blurred as they passed by me and as I heard their voices. I tried to shut them out from my hearing and decided to avert my gaze to the ground as I waited in line. My chest was a bit tight due to the crowd and the stress that I couldn’t see their faces properly. It’s like I was the biggest freak in this crowd and it was taking a toll on me.

I started counting inside my head to calm my breathing. I would just pass the envelope and then I would go to where my org mates were. At least, with them, I could recognize their voices, their smells and their choice of words. That’s my comfort zone. Being with a pool of strangers was too overwhelming for me.

I waited a few minutes before I reached the table where the requirements would be passed. I smiled immediately when I recognized Cherry.

“Finally you’re here, Meredith! We are waiting for you.”

I nodded immediately before saying goodbye. I made my way to the right corner of the auditorium to visit my org mates who were waiting for the announcement of the top twenty.

I was close to them when I ran into a man. I almost fell out of balance but he was able to catch my arm. I immediately saw the familiar tattoo on the man’s hand. Stars and crescent moon.

“Gelo?” I looked up at him.

He helped me to my feet and then shrugged his shoulders. “Yes. I auditioned too,” he said, which made me laugh right away.

“Is that obvious what I’m going to ask?” I asked, leaning forward to see his eyes.

I could see the irritation in his face because I approached him like that again. He pushed my forehead with his index finger and then adjusted the sling of his backpack on his shoulder. “I can see it in your eyes,” he said, annoyed. “All right, I’m leaving. I’ll just be back at lunchtime to know the top twenty.”

“Wait! Do you have a class?”

“Nothing. But I plan to go home and sleep.”

I was offended by his answer. Tss. “Just wait like me.” I immediately grabbed his arm. I suddenly remembered how many questions I had just asked him.

“Get off of me. How many times have I told you that-”

“I have a lot of questions for you, especially about Angela,” I blurted out and he was stunned.

I felt the tension of his body because of what I said. Because my vision was defective, my other senses were stronger. I felt how his aura changed- from that annoyed expression, his shoulders fell and his mood turned gloomy.

My heart suddenly ached when I saw Gelo’s fists clenched. I brought my face slightly closer to see his eyes and that’s when I saw the tears. I remembered Angela’s beautiful smile and the sound of her giggles. That little girl helped me to get by while being confined in the hospital. She showed me how to be brave.

“Wait … Don’t tell me … Angela …” Realization dawned on me.

Gelo removed my grip on his arm. But he held my hand. That grip was tight as if he was drawing strength from me.

“Do you want to see her?” Gelo bowed slightly and that’s when I saw his face. I saw his sad smile and the pain in my heart intensified.

My hands started shaking and my vision became blurry because of tears. “Y-Yes.”

“All right. Let’s go to her instead. Let’s just go back at lunchtime for the result.” I felt one of Gelo’s hands rubbing my cheeks.

That’s when I realized I was crying already. He hadn’t confirmed it yet but I feel the pain from him.

“For sure, she is still waiting for you, Meredith Kaye.”

***

The wide plane of trimmed grasses and tall trees greeted me when we entered the tall black gate. It took a couple of cobblestone pathwalks until we reached the spot where Angela was waiting for me.

Angela Levi Cristobal

Her name was written on a white square marble, lying on the ground. The ache in my heart doubled. Everything was making sense now.

“My angel died, after three months since you were discharged from the hospital, Meredith. She didn’t make it. She couldn’t fight her illness anymore.”

My legs softened spontaneously and I sat down opposite Angela’s grave. She died. The bravest person I met next to my mother died… Again, because of cancer.

My tears began to flow. Loud sobs came out of my mouth. My trembling hands caressed her cold grave. I couldn’t help but remember the times I was with Angela. Those were the toughest times during my treatment. Her little giggles and vibrant smiles helped me a lot to move forward- inspired me to fight and recover.

“S-She’s my favorite person next to my mother. Angela, showed me how to be brave.”

During those times, I was ready to die. I accepted my situation – my destiny. But Angela, a little girl of two years old, found me in the hospital chapel while crying my heart out and cursing God for giving me cancer.

She held my hand. She was very thin, with pale and cold skin, and wearing a mask. She had no hair and her eyes were dull. But when she removed her mask and then gave me a faint but happy smile, I was consumed with guilt for being such a coward.

“Meeting her was my miracle …”

Angela was my angel who guided me to fight for my life and redeem myself. She made me realize to just have faith.

‘ Are you sick? Are you crying? Don’t cry anymore. I’m sick … but ‘I won’t cry … Because I’m brave.’

I immediately wiped away my tears and suppressed my sobs when I remembered what Angela had said. She didn’t like it when I was crying. I should stop. She would be sad when I cried.

“My angel enjoyed her remaining life because of you, Meredith. So, don’t cry.” I felt Gelo tap me on the shoulder. Like me, he was already sitting on the grass.

I turned to him. I was able to faintly see the tearful eyes and the sad smile on his face. He gently rubbed my cheeks before gasping for breath.

“Is she your biological daughter?”

“Yes. She’s mine. I had her when I was nineteen and her mother was just sixteen.” Gelo took another deep breath before caressing Angela’s grave. I couldn’t help but to stare at his tattoo. “The path that his mother and I chose was difficult because we were both not ready to be parents. But when he came into our lives – in my life, I found the courage to stand up and be a man. I faced all the consequences, Meredith. Especially when I was the only one raising her. ”

My mouth fell open at what he said. “Alone?”

“Her mother died after she gave birth to her. My life was a bit tragic but I learned a lot, Meredith. I don’t regret all the pain I went through.”

A sad smile formed on my lips. Realization hit me big time. There I was, sitting in a corner, pitying myself because I had cancer. But I don’t know that there were people who had a really harder path to go through than me. I guess I pitied myself too much. This time, it’s on me.

That’s why in this second life, I wanted to be the brave girl. This time, I promised to face the problem head on even though I was weak.

“Is that why another star was added to your tattoo? Because of what happened to Angela?” I asked, placing my hand on top of his. The pad of my thumb caressing his tattoo.

“Yes. Right now, I have my two angels from above watching me to go on with life and this time, do it right.”

I nodded at what he said and spontaneously leaned my head on his shoulder. I understood him and how he felt.

There were few ways on how people cope up after a death of a love one; some people ended up drowning in so much pain that living became a vacuum of sorrow and hopelessness; there were people who would use the pain to stand up and start again; and there were those who would feel weak but would brazen up to still face what’s coming in this life.

I stared at the two little stars on Gelo’s tattoo. Like him, I had my mother rooting for me to do well in my second life.

“Let’s both do well in our second chance, Gelo.”

“Sure. I am always thankful you survived and continued living. Angela asked me to look for you before she said goodbye.”

I was stunned by what he said. He smiled at me and then put his arm around me. “I promised her that I will take care of her big sis.”

I laughed. “It’s awkward to call you daddy.”

“Please refrain from doing so. But expect me to be your protector.”

Protector … That’s a good thing to have, right?