Running Into Figure Six

That week was literally smooth for me, even though it started with awful cramps and lateness.

More work too. But it’s lovely because at least i had no single panic attacks, and I was mostly active at work without thinking about home or my late dad or Gerald’s whore and every other thing that triggered my anxiety, and also because no one reminded me of the figure that I dreaded the most .

Work was more hectic too, but it was good, because it kept my mind occupied.

On that day I got a free ride to work in my neighbour’s car, Will Taylor surprisingly did not yell at me or ask me why I was late, I will never know if he was usually like that with others though, because I’ve never been late until that Monday.

He simply asked me to not do it again or I’ll be fired. He said it in the most serious tone he could muster, but it came out funny. You know when you’re trying to threaten someone but you sound so weak or cowardly it doesn’t even hit a nerve?

It looked to me that he was delivering an information on behalf of someone, and that’s why it makes me wonder what Rooney had told him.

Will did not call my name or summon me for the whole week, and he barely responded when I greeted him. Instead, he gave me more work to do, through his assistant. Or maybe we just had too many customers lodging in for the week.

When I asked Rooney what he told my boss, he said ‘I simply asked him how it would feel if his pregnant wife came to work fifteen minutes late, and she returns home with a swollen face because her boss beat her up’. He left me there, unsure of how to respond because I did not understand him, but now that I think of it, i should have been worried or upset or both.

I should have told him point-blank that he needn’t have meddled in my business and work environment.

That I didn’t need that kind of care from him. Not from anyone even.

We were just neighbours and neighbours don’t go around putting each other in trouble.

And so as soon as Friday came, I was so happy because i didn’t have to work in the weekend, didn’t have to think about work for a whole day or two.

I didnt know what I was going to be doing for those couple of days though. Maybe i should just call Jessie and talk to her about everything. No, not everything. Only happy things.

I missed her too much, and if i let myself dwell on the nostalgia, I might consider booking a flight to California the next weekend.

Maybe I should video-call Gerald instead. I should, but our last conversation is still playing in my head. The soft, feminine sound in the background i mean. It must have been Monica, except I don’t think so.

He’s not thought to call me again since then. Didn’t text me either. I wonder if that’s how busy he was. I knew he was studying but Gerald is literally someone to visit you at 9. 30am when he had a flight to catch at 10.

I was unlocking my front door that evening when my phone rang again. I checked the space in my doorknob for any notes from my neighbour but there weren’t any.

I looked around and willed him to say ‘good evening, sissy. How was work?’ like he usually did, but I did not see him. He must not be back yet, possibly is too busy at work or something. He couldn’t possibly be mad at me or did i do anything? I thought.

“Hey” I whispered casually, struggling to unlock my door with one hand. It was my boyfriend. As if he knew that I was just thinking about him not calling me in a while.

“You home?”

“Just arrived. The door won’t budge” i gritted, shutting my eyes. “I need to change my lock”

“Kick it open”

“No, I don’t have any salary to pay for damages yet” I heaved a sigh of relief when it finally opened.

“Like you would want to use your first salary for damages” he laughed, and I laughed too, my mind traveling miles away, into the largest couch in his lounge, in California.

He was sitting there, fully dressed like he just returned from work and was relaxing. He’s always a pleasing sight to behold even when he’s exhausted and I can see dark circles underneath his ashen eyes. They fade away quickly when he drinks this particular tea, I can’t remember its name- I will have to ask him for the umpteenth time. He’s drinking the tea in a white mug right now. I can see him until I open my eyes again.

Struggling out of my slightly tight work clothes, I listened to Gerald ramble on about how his week went.

He was part-time podcasting and telecasting for a media company in California but he mostly focused on studying for his airline exams.

He’s always been crazy about being a pilot and I didn’t have a problem with it. “Are you listening to me, Rissa?” He whispered and i sighed, finally pulling off my pants.

I had been listening. Just wasn’t responding

“Are those the pants I got you?” His question got me laughing out loud. He must have heard my heavy breaths.

“Yeah. They seem to be tighter around my hips now. I don’t know how i managed to put on a few pounds” i laughed.

Must be my neighbour’s frequent homemade meals. Or just an outcome of stress.

“That butt must be popping like ever before now, how does it always look so very round and thick, like a pumpkin?” He began, as if talking about butts was on his everyday to-do list.

“Gerald, shut up, what the fuck” I yelled, my body shaking with uncontrollable giggles

“Makes me wonder why you left abruptly. I can’t even hold you these days, Rissa. I can’t even..” he started to sound serious

“Gerald.. don’t, please” i cut in, my laughter disappearing from my lips. He really didn’t need to start.

“You have everything here”, He continued, “Your family, your friends and me. I still don’t know why you left. Just like that.” he suddenly stopped, and I pinched the space between my eyebrows, tucked my tummy in, and breathed out, twice.

“Gerald, is this why you called me?”

“No.. I’m just curious. Why did you leave, Rissa? You told me I make you happy” His voice bore sentiments. Too emotion-stricken for my liking.

“It’s not like I’m dead or something. I’m only miles away, Gerald, and I’m really not ready to talk about this right now”, I paused to stabilise my voice. “Please”

Even though he had been understanding enough, i couldn’t help feeling guilty about everything.

“Okay. What’s for supper? Your favourite jambalaya?” I almost mouthed a thank-you when he distracted me with the question.

“Not tonight. Toast bread maybe” I giggled again, a tear managing to roll down my eye. “What about you, candy?”

“Thoughts of you” he simply said and I blushed.

I wonder how much longer I could hold on without the people in my life. I always thought i was doing fine until I hear from them, and then, i realize how much I miss them and want to be with them again.

I really should go back but it felt like something was holding me back. Certainly not my job. I enjoyed my work but I could give it up for Gerald, and Jessie if need be.

But I am not on my way to California already.

Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I really can’t do anything right like mom said. I should prove her wrong that I am not holding on too much, that I didn’t always need people, and that even without dad, and with my trauma, I can live well.

And that I can achieve big things on my own. I still didn’t know how to though- I’ve failed in the two fields I thought i had passion for.

The only way to find out how, is staying back in New York and finding myself.

And that will be my push.

I’ll have to find a way around the consequences later.