Revolting

Everything my dad had just said about me being strong... it was wrong, it was dead wrong. I lay in the middle of the road crying, and I could no longer wrap my head around anything. William had regained consciousness, and was being helped into a vehicle. Four men... it took four men to lift Nolan's huge body and gently lay it across the back seat of one of the SUV's. The dead bodies of the rogue attackers were moved away from the road, and set on fire. One survivor was bound up and thrown in the boot of one of the cars. People moved around me, doing the work that had to be done, and I could only watch in a daze. I thought randomly... how weird that in all this time, no other cars had passed this way. What would the humans think if they had seen the massacre on the road?

At last Shane came back to me, his face drawn and tear streaked. "Nina!" he suddenly realized, "You are covered in blood."

I shook my head. "Its not mine." I had some minor scrapes and bruises from Nolan pushing me down to the pavement, but otherwise, I was unharmed. But even though I was not injured, all the strength seemed to have left me. I felt guilty that Shane, already devastated by grief, had to scoop me off the road and carry me back to the car. Our road trip had become a funeral procession back to the Gold Mountain pack house.

Everything after that was a blur, but I would forever remember the horrible sound of Caydence wailing over her son's body. Shane insisted that I be brought to the medical ward. He handed me over to Dr. Roberto, and then he disappeared. I knew he had things to do. He had responsibilities he had to take up now as beta, even as he was grieving. Still, I felt lost without him near. I felt abandoned as I lay alone in the sterile hospital environment. Nurses helped me out of my blood- soaked clothes and sponged me off before putting me in one of those horrible hospital gowns that tie up the back. Dr. Roberto had checked me over thoroughly, cleaning and dressing the minor wounds on my back and my elbows. A few hours later he had come in with the ultrasound technician. They had squirted cold jelly on my protruding belly and pushed the wand into my flesh until a grainy black and white image of my baby appeared on the screen. She wiggled around as if she didn't like being peeped at. They took measurements, and listened to her heart. It sounded like a little washing machine pumping away in there. Finally Dr. Roberto nodded in satisfaction and declared that everything was perfect. Except that everything was NOT perfect... everything was dreadful, and I was alone.

William came in later, his head wrapped in a gauze bandage, his eyes red and swollen from crying. I could do nothing more than open my arms to him. He crawled on the bed with me like a child, and sobbed into my shoulder. "He was an asshole," William cried, "But he was my brother."

"I know," I said, stroking his hair. I couldn't say anything else, as hot tears tracked down my face. I was crying for William, I was crying for Caydence, I was crying for everyone who felt this loss. I felt like the tears would never end. After a long time he sat up and wiped his eyes. "I have to go..."

Doctor Roberto wanted me to stay in the hospital, just for observation, but I refused. I limped out of the unit and found the stairs. I couldn't take the elevator, because I no longer had the key. I stumbled up the steps, and it seemed like my knees could hardly hold me. They had removed my dirty wraps in the hospital, so my weak joints were unsupported, and exhaustion was getting the better of me. I reached the fourth floor landing, and then used the wall to support myself as I dragged my tired legs back down the hall toward my old room. Someone had been through and cleaned it, and put everything back in order. My clothes were still in the drawers. My shampoo was still in the shower. I was grateful to have something to change into, as I was still wandering around in the hospital gown. I reached behind me with difficulty and untied the ties, and then peeled off the johnny. I found a comfortable old t-shirt that was loose enough to fit over the baby bump, and some clean underwear and shorts, and crawled back into the bed. I wished I had my comfortable sunflower and butterfly blanket to wrap up in, but it was at home in Troy. So the best I could do was hug a pillow and let the exhaustion take me over.

I think they forgot about me, all of them. I stayed in my room. I did not go down to the dining room for meals. How could I? I had rejected this pack, I shouldn't even be here. I could not just walk down and take my place at the Alpha's family table like I used to. Missing a few meals wouldn't kill me, I reasoned, and just drank water from the sink in my bathroom. Outside my window there was audible wailing and howling from the pack in mourning. For a pack to lose an Alpha was a huge blow, and there was a great deal to do in preparation for the funeral. No one included me in those plans, even though I was still his legal wife at the time of death, but that was fine too. I wouldn't know what to do, and I didn't want to be given the gruesome responsibilities of picking out his casket or planning food for the memorial. And poor Shane... Shane now carried all the responsibilities of the Alpha. We'd only had one day of love, but the promises made in the passion of the moment were probably no longer valid given the present circumstances.

I had the guilty suspicion that everyone blamed me for Nolan's death. If I hadn't left, if he hadn't been searching for me, if he hadn't been trying to protect me on that stretch of god-forsaken road, none of this would have happened. I had wanted to stay and attend the funeral for the sake of the people I loved...for William and Caydence, and Shane, and then I wanted to go home to Troy. Even if it meant going home alone.

It wasn't until the second day that William appeared at my door with a tray of food. He looked awful. His face was pale and puffy, and his shoulders were hunched as he put the tray down on my bedside table. He didn't quite look at me as he sighed, and turned around and walked out without even talking to me. I swallowed hard. Did William hate me too? Did he blame himself for following me? I picked over the food, and tried to eat something, for the baby's sake, but my appetite was gone. Sometime after noon Caydence slipped into my room. She looked much older today than when I had met her for lunch just a few days ago. Her face was blotchy and her nose was red, and her blond hair was stringy as though she hadn't showered in days. It was hard to believe that the last time I'd seen her she had been so happy, showering me with gifts for the baby, smiling broadly, conspiring on when and where and how to meet so that she could be an involved grandma. Now she moved silently, no smiles, and no words. She climbed up on the bed beside me, and I sensed that she didn't want to be near me, she wanted to be near the baby. Nolan's baby, the only thing she had left of him. She put her arms around me and rested her head against my stomach. I let her lay there a long time, knowing that this was probably the only comfort I could offer her. I still wondered if she blamed me for everything that had happened. After a long time she stood up, her eyes glancing over the mark on my shoulder. Her mouth flattened into a thin, disapproving line. Oh, mother-in-law, if you'd only known... that could have been Nolan's mark, but he had never wanted me! "You should go to Shane now. He is in the office. He needs you." And with that she slipped back out of my room.

In my previous stay at the Gold Mountain pack house I had never ventured into the Alpha's office. I had no reason to. Nolan had made it perfectly clear that he didn't want me around, nor did I want to be around him. So I'd left his office alone. I felt very uncertain and insecure as I ventured down the hall. Shane hadn't called for me. I didn't know if he really wanted to see me. I didn't know how he felt about me now. It seemed like every time we turned around, things got more and more complicated between us. I knocked softly on the door, and I heard Shane call, "Come in," in an flat and tired voice. I hesitated, and slipped inside the door.

Nolan's office was the quintessential man-cave. Aside from the big desk in the corner, and the conference table in the center, there was a small bar in the corner. Mounted racks of deer antlers decorated the walls, along with vintage hunting memorabilia. I thought the decor was probably inherited from Berhnard, because antiques didn't seem to be Nolan's style. Shane was sitting behind the executive desk, but he was not alone. Bernhard was there, along with several other men whose faces were vaguely familiar. I swallowed nervously, unsure what to do next.

Shane sighed and gestured for me to come, pushing back his chair. He looked exhausted. There were dark circles under his beautiful eyes and his hair was all messed up, like he'd been running his hands through it constantly. He hadn't come to find me last night, and I realized that he probably hadn't stopped to sleep at all. I desperately wanted to comfort him, to do something to make him feel better, to smooth down his hair and kiss away his pain. I approached Shane, but I glanced nervously back to Bernhard. I'd always had a hard time reading the giant of a man. I was never sure if he liked me, even when I was together with Nolan. Now I was scared of what he might think of me, and I expected to find anger in his eyes. Instead he just nodded at me sadly, and scrubbed his hands across his ruddy face.

I stopped in front of Shane, not sure what he wanted me to do. Should I pull up a chair? Did he have some errand he needed me to complete? When I hesitated, he reached out and pulled me to him, settling me on his lap. He wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my neck. He did not seem at all shy about letting Nolan's father see us for what we were. He breathed deeply of my scent and then pulled back to look down into my face. "We've completed all the arrangements. Nolan will be buried tomorrow at noon." What could I say? I only nodded in reply, and gave into my urge to smooth his black hair away from his brow. "Gentlemen," he said, "I think we are finished here."

The other men stood up and filed out, until only Bernhard remained at the door, his head bowed, his hand resting on the door handle. He turned and looked back at me, his eyes full of pain and sorrow. "Nina," he said. I realized that never, in all this time had he really spoken to me directly. "No matter what has happened... you will always be a part of this family." And then he quietly stepped out and shut the door behind him.