His Soul & His Shame

It's been a week since my shopping spree and spotting Ezra and Mitchell making out in Victoria's Secret. I had moved that memory back to my mind not to dwell on it as I don't care what they do anymore, especially him. This is my last night here and I don't know if I am relieved that I am going away from the restraints I put on myself and the ones Ezra had on me or sad that I am leaving everything behind, my parents, my life, and my best friend. Everything is packed and kept aside, other than the clothes and my necessities I am not taking anything with me as I am going to start a new life there and I need everything new. I am leaving everything behind which will remind me of my old life, the life I am going to leave behind and in that life, I was a shadow to Ezra Miller, his best friend, and the girl who loved her best friend so much that she forgot about her life and her dreams.

"Can I come in?" I heard a knock followed by mom's voice.

"Yes, Mom!" I answered and waited for her to come in. She is a cool mom who supports her daughter in everything and I am lucky to have a mother like her.

"I am going to miss my little girl." she walked towards me with arms wide open and engulfed me in a bear hug making me feel safe and secure in her arms surrounded by her familiar warmth and scent.

"I am not so little any more mom!" We both chuckled at the attempt at my lame joke and we sat in comfortable silence before she spoke.

"I know it's a fresh start for you sweetie and you need it more than anyone and I hope you find the things you are looking for." she placed her hand on mine rubbing soothing circles making me think about my decision of leaving them but as she said I need the change more than anyone.

"Thanks, mom! I am going to miss you too but I will visit you whenever I get the time and we will face-time each other every day even though we are busy." I gave her a tight hug one more time before she left me with my thoughts alone. "Good night, sweetie!" she kissed me on my head lingering a second longer before leaving the room. It is so hard for my parents as well as for me because I never thought about staying away from home, I was happy being surrounded by my family and friends even if I want to settle for less. Am I being selfish by thinking about myself? I am an only child and they will not see me daily. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I blocked off all the depressing thoughts and snuggled into my bed and slipped into a dreamless sleep.

I woke up to my alarm blaring and the knocks on my door with my dad's voice waking me up from my deep slumber. It feels like I have only slept for a minute and now I'm waking up already. "Fay! Wake up! You are going to be late to the airport if you don't start getting ready now." He knocked again, making me jump out of the bed.

"I am up, Dad! I will be down soon." I called out to him before opening my wardrobe to get the outfit I chose yesterday. I placed the outfit on the bed and ran to the bathroom to take a shower. The first thing I wanted to do today was take a shower even though I took it last night as I don't want to start the day feeling grumpy and sleepy.

I broke the record time of someone who has taken a shower in a short time. I dried myself and applied the moisturizer all over my body before getting into my outfit consisting of skinny jeans and a jumper. Applying little makeup so as not to look like a walking corpse, I made my way to the kitchen by the time my mom placed her breakfast dish on the table.

"Good morning, mom!" I kissed her cheek, gave her a side hug, and got her reply before going to my dad and doing the same with him. We may have spent the most time with each other as we all had busy schedules and classes for me but we always made time for each other and I love that about my parents.

"Is Joanna coming to the airport with us?" Dad asked, sipping his coffee. I finished my pancake and gulped down the orange juice before answering him.

"Yeah! She will be here any minute now." I called her last night to remind her the timings of my flight and I know she will be on time.

"Good, I will go and bring your bags down. Do you have to take any other things from your room?" my brows dipped in concentration at his question and I recalled everything that I needed and remembered that I packed everything and there is nothing to take anymore.

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"No, I got everything with me, and thanks, dad!" I gave him an appreciative smile to which I received a warm smile in return.

I heard the doorbell ring and got up to open the door for Joanna. I literally ran towards the door expecting my best friend but what I didn't expect was that the person who is the reason for my pain and who helped me to make this decision is standing outside my door looking like a raging bull.

My eyes widened seeing Ezra standing in front of me seething and Joanna behind him looking the same as him. I know they are like oil and water, and will never mix with each other and I also know that Joanna has told him that I am leaving for New York depending on his anger which is radiating off of him.

"What are you doing here, Ezra!" I regained my expression of shock and scowled at him. I clearly told him that I didn't want to see him but he would never listen. He had ignored me these past days then why did he have to come and visit me today when finally I was leaving?

"What am I hearing, Fay!" He growled stepping towards me with his muscled body surrounding me with his warmth and his familiar cologne which smells so mouth-watering. I need to stop noticing every single thing about him, I was doing fine before his arrival but now his presence is affecting me like a drug.

"W... What are you talking about?" wow! I am stuttering now! Great, just a great way to move on and staying strong in front of Ezra Miller. I need someone to kick my ass for getting Ezra to affect me.

"Don't act all innocent now, baby girl! You know what I'm asking about!" He scoffed, covering me with his body and making me shudder in his presence. I need to do something before I submit to him and become a puddy in his hands again. I need to be strong for myself and my heart.

"She doesn't have to answer you, Mr. Arrogant! Leave her alone!" Joanna pushed past him knocking him to the side in the process of entering inside and stood beside me.

"Don't meddle in our business, Joanna!" I held her hand, stopping her from saying anything. This is my battle to fight and I don't let anyone fight for me from now on.

",

What exactly did you hear, Ezra?" I asked him and I'm proud of myself that I didn't stutter like an idiot. Our eyes connect and I can see his emotions clearly which made my heart clench painfully. I can see the betrayal, pain, and longing in his stormy eyes making me want to think about everything I decided. He is my weakness and if maybe he asks me to stay here with him maybe I can stay happy with him but no I can't do that to myself, I can't betray myself just because he is looking at me like he will lose everything once he loses me.

This is for me and I have to leave him, this place for myself. I have to be selfish for once in my life and I know everything is going to change once I leave this place behind. We will no longer be best friends and I will never be beside him when he needs me.

"

'Don't do that, baby girl! I know you don't want to go and I know I'm the reason behind your decision but I promise that I will behave and will never hurt you." His tone turned pleading, making my eyes burn with tears ready to fall down from my eyes. I don't want to cry in front of him and show him that this is about him. No, this is about me and everything will always be about me.

"You don't have any right to tell me what I can do and what I can't. I am leaving this place because I want to do something for myself other than being stuck here where I am suffocating. Don't make this about yourself." I grumbled through clenched teeth, anger taking over my senses. How dare he tell me to stay here and be miserable? Can't he be happy for me that finally, I'm moving on and leaving him and Mitchell alone.

"Baby girl!" He took another step toward me but I raised my hand to stop him from crowding me with his presence. I can't think straight when he is so close to me, where I can smell his familiar scent and feel his body heat.

I know that I'm never going to love someone like I loved Ezra and I'm okay with it because I don't want to love again and get hurt again, that shit hurts a lot.

"If you even cared for me somewhere along our friendship then you will not say anything about my decision and will never stop me from going." I know he cares about me and he will always care for me but he will never give me what I crave from him and we both know it.

It's time to end the chapter of Ezra Irwin and Fay Moore. Maybe we will meet in another dimension where he isn't afraid of falling in love and where he can only love me and stay with me. I hope in that world there will be no one but just us loving each other and getting our happily ever after and I hope my wish comes true.