Her, To Home

“Get in, sweetheart.”

Without even glancing at him, she continued her stomping forward- her face still red from anger.

“You do know that you are going towards the opposite way and your shoes don’t match.” He said, trying not to laugh.

She stopped like someone had put an invisible door in front of her. Breathing deeply, she looked down and clutched her teeth in annoyance. Without helping himself, he chuckled.

“They don’t look bad.” He said and grinned in satisfaction when she finally looked at him even if it was just to glare daggers.

“Dean, what do you want from me?”

He leaned back in the seat and sighed. What did he want from her? Wasn’t it obvious enough what he wanted? He wanted to kiss her anytime he could, he wanted to hold her, pamper her, spoil her, make her laugh, and make her so angry that she would attack him. He wanted to wake up next to her every day and kiss her good morning and goodnight and goodbyes. He wanted to hear her tell him she loved him, she belonged to him. Like an ongoing list, there were so many things he wanted from her. He wanted to mess her, ruin her, and make her unable to live without him as he was unable to breathe without her.

“I want to you become mine, O’Brian. That is all I have ever wanted from you; all I would ever ask of you.”

He knew she didn’t believe him; he could tell from her eyes- her face. There was blankness in them. She was blushing but she was looking at him right in the eyes, daring him- mocking him. And he was being mocked. He hated that. He despised himself. Her hollow globes were paining him to the extent of leaving him breathless.

He knew he had been fooling himself. If he was close to her physically of course it would make her flattered. But that could be because she had never been that close to another man. He was once again pushing her but he didn’t know what else to do, he had no plan to win her back. He had underestimated how much he had hurt her. He had underestimated how much colder she have gotten, how much she has grown.

“Do you expect me to believe that?” She asked him.

“Yes, God damn it. Yes.” He pushed the words out.

“Okay. How about this, I will tell you I will be yours; I will love you and spoil you and make you fall so much in love with me that you won’t know what to do, who else to look at and then one day, I’ll pack my bags and leave without a note, without a word. I will never show you my face or let you hear my voice for two years. And then come back, say sorry and hope that everything is back too normal. How about it, Dean? Are you up for that? We would finally be even then.”

Her words had not been spoken in anger, in spite. It was in a quiet breath, but he had died under their force- their pain. He wanted to speak, he wanted to say, to shout that he had a reason, he had to do it. If he had not left, she would have died but in front of those few words she had spoken, his reason seems to mean nothing.

He suddenly realized that if he would have been in her place, if she would have had left him- he would be dead by two months. He would have had been able to live that long enough without seeing her.

He closed his eyes, trying to breathe. His hands clutching the steering wheel tightly, his whole body felt numb.

“I don’t want to regret leaving you, Sara.” He finally said. His eyes were still tightly closed but he knew she was there. He could smell her, sense her, and feel her.

“Why? Because my life was in danger?” She asked.

His opened his eyes slowly, turning his head to face her.

“You have no idea how much danger your life was in. No idea.”

“And you do? I came this close to killing myself twice- ending my life. What would you have done if I had done it? What would be the point left for this sacrifice you gave?” She demanded. Her eyes were watering now but her face was still blank.

“I was always watching you; I would never have let that happened. I would never have let you leave me.”

He knew he had done things selfishly. He had made decisions based on the things he could live with, he could survive with. He had thought out the whole thing on the base of him being in love with Sara O’Brian but he had missed it, missed that fact that in a way, she has also loved him.

But the guilt he never wanted to feel, the regret he never wanted to have was started to haunt him. There were other ways, he knew he could have found another way but none of them would have assured him the safety of Sara. But looking at the hallow eyes of the woman he loved- he was feeling sick to his stomach.

“No, you just expect me do to things your way. Run at your pace- but when it comes to yourself, everything suddenly has a reason.”

With those words, she changed her direction and started walking. He knew she was crying. She didn’t fall a single tear in front of him but he knew, she was crying. Because the sound seems to be shouting in his head, it was like needles stabbing in his brain.

Without even thinking anything else, he got out of the car and chased after her figure. He might not know how to treat a girl but he knew you never let a crying girl leave.

Reaching her he grabbed her arm and pulls her towards his chest, hugging her petty figure- hiding her from the rest of the world. He wanted to do that, hide her from every eye except for his own. That is what he seems to want since he has laid eyes on her.

She wasn’t sobbing, but he knew she was crying. His ears still hurt.

“I beg you; I beg you.” He whispered in her hair. He had no idea what he was begging for. He just wanted the sound which was screaming in his ears to stop. He just wanted it to go away.

Somewhere in the very back of his mind there was a small voice which was telling him he shouldn’t have come back but his selfishness was much greater than that voice. Much louder, more intense. His love for her was too big to be hidden behind darkened window cars.

“The only excuse I could give you is that I was human. I am human.”

She raised her head to meet his eyes and the small gasp left his mouth when he saw her watered eyes. There wasn’t a stain of tear on her cheeks but he knew she had cried. The wetness had passed through his t-shirt and touched his chest. It was burning the skin.

Before she could say something, screeching sound made his look up and Sara also turned.

Before his brain could take action, he was pushed out of the way from Sara’s body with brutal force and he realized too late what had happened.

He could see anything, hear anything. Not the car which was already gone and not the words he was shouting. All he could see was red.

Sara O’Brian was left in the puddle of blood.