Her Raging Flame [English Version]

It was already late at night and Femella had been asleep next to me but I was still awake.

My mind kept going back to our conversation earlier.

“My parents are dead. I don’t have a sibling and my relatives all lead  fucked up lives so I know they can’t take good care of me so I am practically alone forever. There, I already answered your question. Satisfied?”

“You’re an only child?”

“No.”

It might have been a slip of her tongue or I just didn’t hear her right. Maybe she’s just bluffing because she remembered how she already told me about her having no siblings. And why did I even ask that question?

Maybe because my dreams are coming back.

Vague memories of the past went back to haunt me again as if them being constantly in my head every now and then is not enough.

They harass me even at night. The memories are clearer now more than before.

What’s even shocking is the more I think about Femella, the clearer the hazy memory gets.

There is one particular woman in my dream.

At first, I thought it was just a simple dream but as the years passed by and I kept having the same scenario in the same dreams, I knew then that it wasn’t just a dream.

It was a memory coming back.

The face of the woman is unrecognizable but she feels familiar. I tried to think she’s Femella but my instincts told me otherwise.

Maybe it’s because I’ve only been with a woman for a long time so something has changed in my perception.

All my other interactions with women or ex-girlfriends are only brief sex nights and dinner dates. Never did I bring them on a vacation because I don’t want them to feel attachment to me.

Femella purred in her sleep and curled under the blanket.

Her mouth is slightly open while she’s snoring. She looks really tired with all of the activities we did all day. I caressed her cheek and adjusted the blanket. Then I slowly got off the bed and opened the closet.

I sat down and opened the last drawer and took out a box.

I opened it and a jewelry box was exposed to me. I opened it and picked up the gold anklet inside. I stared at it while trying to dig in my mind about its owner or what it had to do with my past.

The investigator said I was holding it when they found me in the wrecked car after I was hit by a dump truck but I don’t remember anything before the accident.

Everything has become a mystery.

I did every imaginable thing for my brain to remember the lost memories but still, nothing works.

Everything is a blank slate.

Sometimes I think they’re just my imagination. There was really none to be remembered of. Maybe it’s just a result of my trauma because of the accident.

But every time I stare at the anklet when I come home here on the island, it’s as if something is digging into my brain with memories that want to come out into the open.

They felt so important and precious to my existence that it almost felt like dying if I never recovered them at all.

So I chose to leave the anklet here on the island because I wouldn’t be able to do anything if it always haunted my mind. It’s making me crazy. It is debilitating to think that a large part of you is missing and you don’t even know how to get it back.

I felt so helpless. Even my money can’t do anything about it.

I tried hypnosis and all sorts of memory-enhancing programs to remember.

The brain is a very complex organ and there are many things we still don’t know about it. Oftentimes, these are the statements I receive after my last sessions with experts.

So I just chose to let it all go. If I can remember the past or if I can really bury it in oblivion, I give it to time..

I just hope someone from that memory will come up to me. And Femella might be that someone.

I carefully put the anklet back inside the jewelry box and placed it in the box.

After putting it back inside the closet, I got my phone and dialed a number. Someone picked up in the other line after the first ring.

“Staying up late again?” I said.

He coughed before answering.

“You can’t sleep again?”

“None of your business. I have a job for you.”

He went dead serious after.

“I’m listening.”

“Get all the information about Femella Alcantara of La Vida Club. All about her. Her past, her childhood, all you can gather about her. I want it on my desk one week from now.”

“Copy, boss.”

I put down the cellphone and stared at the sleeping woman. Afterwards I averted my eyes and decided to go out. I scoured the kitchen and took out the wine from the refrigerator. I watched the sea from the glass wall while drinking. I have a strong feeling that Femella is related to my past.

It’s maybe the reason why she’s rejecting me profusely. Come to think of it, I can’t think of another reason for her to continue to refuse me other than the fact that she knows something. She may not be the girl in my dream but she definitely knows something.

That I intend to know.

I finished the contents of the can and threw it in the trash. I went into the room and took off the t-shirt I was wearing before climbing on the bed. Femella’s hand moved to my waist and hugged me.

She said something inaudible before snoring back lightly.

I couldn’t help but feel amused. She’s cute and feisty.

“It’s straight in a row that you sleep talk.”

I adjusted her hug to me and closed my eyes.

“Goodnight, Fem.”

She moved again to squeeze her face into my armpit. I laughed softly and  kissed her lips.

“Stop by snoring, please. I like to think that it’s because of your snoring that my nightmares are coming back.”

The woman just frowned as if she was protesting.

“Yeah, yeah. I know. It’s not your fault.”

I kissed her again and hugged her tightly.

I closed my eyes hoping that the dreams will be clearer this time.