Forbidden Desire

Despite not wanting to part from that embrace, I did, focusing on the cup of tea in front of me. As I started sipping the tea, it felt like a balm to my throat, which was sore from all the crying. I took a few more sips while the man beside me observed me with curiosity. When the cup was empty and my breathing had calmed, I finally looked at the man beside me, noticing that he was watching my every move.

“So, can I finally know the name of this whirlwind that knocked me down?” I ended up smiling for the first time today and saw that his eyes narrowed even more when he returned my smile.

“It’s Jane. I’m sorry for knocking you down; I’m not having an easy day, and I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

“Really? Well, I thought you looked at me and thought, ‘Wow, what a handsome man, I’m going to throw myself on top of him!'”

His lighthearted tone made me laugh a little too much, and he seemed to light up.

“What’s wrong? Wasn’t that it?”

I was already laughing, and I knew he was doing it to distract me.

“Well, now I’m offended.”

I laughed so much that for a moment, my heart seemed to stop bleeding, but I knew it was just a pause from all that pain. I knew it was waiting for me at the door of the house, if I still had one. When my laughter faded, I looked at him, noticing that his pupils were dilating as he watched me with curiosity but also seemed to want to express something else that I couldn’t decipher.

“Can I know why such a beautiful girl was crying so much?”

I scoffed while rolling my eyes. After everything I’d been through yesterday and today, my self-esteem was low; I couldn’t see beauty in my body, which seemed to want to escape all the rules already imposed by Koreans, and hearing him say that I was a beautiful girl felt more like a prank than a compliment.

“Why the laugh?”

I didn’t know him, so I felt like I could say whatever I wanted since I’d probably never see him again, so I decided to say what had always inhabited my thoughts, and sometimes I didn’t even have the courage to admit it to myself.

“Because I’m not beautiful, so you don’t need to lie to me.”

He fell silent as his eyes roamed my face before saying, “I never lie!”

“Look, I really appreciate your help, and I know you’re saying this to make me feel better…”

He interrupted me before I could continue.

“I’m not saying this to make you feel better. I really think you’re beautiful. Even now, with your face red from crying, all this vulnerability you exude is very attractive. It makes me want to protect you even without knowing who you are…”

I only now realized that we were too close; he looked at my mouth and then back into my eyes; my heart raced at the way he said he felt the urge to protect me. His brown eyes analyzed every move I made, and when a strand of my hair came loose from behind my ear, he reached for it, tucking it back.

“Every detail of you is beautiful.”

I lowered my gaze, and my face was burning; he was making me feel shy, and he was being too direct for someone who had known me for less than half an hour.

“Will you tell me what happened?”

“I don’t want to bother you; I’ve already given you too much trouble.”

He held my hand, and I involuntarily looked at him.

“Please, I want to know. You just saved me from a boring meeting with those people who were here, so I have all day.”

I ended up smiling, and I only realized that there was a tear rolling down my face when he took his thumb to wipe it away.

“Talk to me! Take advantage that I’m a total stranger and tell me what’s making you sad.”

I hesitated because everything I was going through was so humiliating that I didn’t want to speak out loud.

“Does it help if I tell you some things that no one else knows?”

I nodded, and he seemed to think for a moment.

“I’m not well either, not just today, but for the past ten years, I feel like there’s no one I can really talk to. Everyone who comes near me seems to want something in return; people seem to want to use me as a stepping stone while I always try to do my best because when I get attached to someone, I’ll do anything to make them happy. So, today, I was in a meeting with those people you saw when you arrived here, and each of them had a request for me; they seemed to analyze how they could take the best advantage of the benefits my friendship can offer while hiding their own sadness. One of them is getting a divorce and didn’t tell me; he pretended to be okay, just like everyone else. Everyone wants to pretend to have a perfect life, and I was so lost thinking, ‘Am I the only one who’s not okay?’ that I couldn’t stand being here. I went to the terrace to get some fresh air while asking the universe, ‘Will I ever have someone I can really talk to? Someone who doesn’t hide behind a shield to pretend they don’t feel anything?’ And when I was coming back, a girl who looked as bad or worse than me fell into my arms and snuggled up to me as if she needed protection.”

He didn’t take his eyes off mine for a second as he said these things, and I ended up smiling as I felt butterflies in my stomach. We spent some time staring at each other without saying a word, but at the same time, our eyes seemed to say so much that I was breathless for a few seconds. It seemed crazy that he needed someone to talk to so much while I also felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone.

“It seems like the universe sent me you.”

“Does it?”

“You don’t believe in destiny?”

I ended up smiling, and he seemed to pay attention to every reaction I had.

“I do. And if the universe wanted to give me a friend, then I’m grateful!”

His smile grew even bigger, and I had to admit that it was impossible not to notice how beautiful he was.

“So tell your friend why you were like that.”

“Can I know your name first?”

His smile diminished, and he looked away.

“If you know who I am, it will change everything…”

“Why?”

“Because my name comes loaded with a lot of things that don’t define me.”

“Are you a prince or something?”

He laughed, lighting up his face.

“I love the fact that I could be a criminal, but the first thing you thought of was a prince.”

I shrugged while smiling.

“If you were a murderer, you would have killed me already; I followed you here without knowing where I was going, so you could have taken me to a hostage situation or something if you wanted.”

The way his rosy lips curved in a beautiful way when he smiled at me made me feel like drawing him.

“That’s true, huh? Damn it, I missed my chance!”

He joked, and I felt at peace.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me your name. Well, since you’re so eager to know why I was crying. It was because of love and because I was humiliated so much in the last few days.”

“Okay. First, if love makes you cry, then maybe it’s time to rethink if it’s really worth it. Second, I don’t know who humiliated you, but people who do that do it to feel superior; they are so unhappy and small that they need to diminish other people to feel bigger and more powerful.”

It was amazing how confidently he expressed himself; he made me feel better, and I didn’t even know who he was.

“Thank you. The truth is that I fell in love with someone who was totally out of my reach.”

“How so?”

“Oh, he’s amazing, smart, sophisticated, handsome, used to beautiful women, and I’m none of that.”

“You’re a beautiful woman. And if he doesn’t make you feel that way, maybe he’s not as amazing as you describe him.”

“He does, but…”

“There’s no ‘but.’ There’s no middle ground for this. Does he make you feel beautiful? Does he make you feel special? Does he show you that you’re unique in his life? Does he show you how important you are?”

I lowered my head because I always knew I would never be the only one; his heart belonged to Jinhee, and I knew that.

“So he’s not amazing. You put him on a pedestal for some reason and are belittling yourself to justify his bad actions.”

I stopped to think about his words, which, despite being harsh, were accurate. That’s exactly what I was doing.

“So let’s do a reality check. Tell me a flaw of his.”

I stopped to think, and I simply couldn’t think of anything besides his beautiful smile, nothing besides the affection he showed me when we finished making love or the way his rosy lips were slightly parted while he slept, and I ended up blushing while covering my face.

“Why are you blushing?”

“I hate it! There’s nothing; he’s perfect!”

“Then why were you crying?”

“This is a long story.”

“I’m not in a hurry; are you?”

I looked at my phone and saw a message from Jason.

“Wait a minute at the mall, and I’ll send Jin to pick you up; I had to take my mom home. I’m sorry; I promise I’ll make it up to you.”