Forbidden Desire

You never know how fragile you are until youre completely shattered, and when that happens, youre surprised by how easily and quickly it can occur. Just a tiny fraction of a second can be enough to make parts of your body hurt that you didnt even know existed, can change the way you see the world, and most importantly, can end a love you thought would last forever. Today when I woke up, I could never have imagined how much everything could change in just a fraction of a second, but now I know!

When I got up, I was hopeful and excited. Today is the day of the most important project delivery for this semester at college, and I was trying to focus on that, despite everything that has been happening. Ive been working on it for weeks and rehearsed this presentation so many times with Jihoon that he had already memorized my words. He was going to travel this afternoon and wouldnt be able to see my presentation, but I had promised to record everything.

Even after what happened yesterday when I saw Jason going to buy things for the baby with Jinhee, I tried to convince myself that it was nothing, that it was just for the baby, but that I still was his woman. I was excited for the weekend because I really thought that all we needed was some time alone. I did a lot of research about Jeju Island, imagined the moments we would live there, and now, they will never happen. All my hopes turned to ashes when I entered that room where I had once been so happy and saw the man I loved with Jinhee. I heard their moans even before entering, and until the last second before opening that door, I thought it was a mistake, but when I saw her writhing on top of him while he gave himself to her in the same way he did with me, my world collapsed.

He seemed shocked to see me there, and I could only feel all the strength draining from my body. Of all the times I had cried over Jason, this was the worst, and I didnt know how I would recover from it, if I ever would. He had always been afraid that I would betray him, and now he was doing this to me, even knowing how much it hurts to be betrayed. I barely opened my mouth and felt my legs lose their strength; I felt Jihoons arms around me and seemed to summon a strength that I didnt know until then. When I heard Jasons voice calling me love, all my disappointment seemed to give way to a hatred that I didnt even know until then, and when I realized it, I was already shouting at him.

“NEVER CALL ME “LOVE” AGAIN. NEVER ADDRESS ME. PRETEND IM DEAD, Jason, BECAUSE YOU JUST DIED TO ME.”

“No! Love, I thought it was you!”

He seemed desperate trying to explain to me, but nothing he said could deceive me; I have forgiven him too many times, but there was no forgiveness for this.

“Is that so, Jason? You thought it was me? You werent even capable of coming up with a convincing excuse.”

I chuckled sarcastically, but the tears that kept rolling down betrayed my pain.

“Love, I swear, I would never do that. I love you!”

I stared at him covering himself with the sheet while Jinhee tried to do the same, looking embarrassed.

You dont even know what that is.

Tears began to flow from his eyes, and he seemed in complete despair.

“Love, this was all a mistake, I swear!”

“Really, Jason? All of this is a mistake. Me coming here, letting you get close, being with you even though I knew you would always love Jinhee.”

“No, Jane, I love you! I have loved you for a long time. I couldnt get you out of my head since the first time I saw you. I always wanted you!”

No, Jason. You never wanted me. You wanted someone you could manipulate, who would feed your ego, who would make you feel loved. It was never about me, but about your need to feel deserving of love. And you know what, Jason?”

My fake laugh was now laden with sarcasm.

“You never deserved it!”

He looked incredulous staring at me while running his hands through his own hair in despair.

“Come on! Lets get your painting and get out of here.”

He took one of his hands off my waist to grab my iPad, which was on a table next to the door, and then we turned to leave. I was still numb with the hatred I was feeling, and it seemed to give me the strength to walk because I walked to the studio firmly; Jihoon grabbed my painting, and seconds later, Jason appeared there wearing gray sweatpants and trying to finish putting on a T-shirt.

“Jane, wait, where are you going?”

“Away!”

“No! You cant go like this, Jane; we need to talk.”

He approached me, turning me to him, and before Jihoon could go for him, I stopped him with my hand.

“Well figure this out. I KNOW YOU LOVE ME!”

He shouted with all the certainty in the world, and I laughed with tears in my eyes, using a mocking tone that I didnt even recognize in my own voice.

“Oh, you know?”

I couldnt contain my laughter even though I knew it was out of nervousness.

“Now you know? Funny, Jason, because every time I said it, showed it, and did everything for you, you always doubted, now suddenly you know?”

“Look, I know, okay? I know Ive been a complete idiot with you. But I would never cheat on you, Jane!”

He stared into my eyes, and it was incredible how those eyes I loved so much could seem so sincere while his mouth didnt even tremble when lying to me.

“Love, please, think! Why would I do that? Especially like this, knowing that you were at home? Please, you have to believe me! You cant end our relationship over a Jinheederstanding.”

He pulled his own hair, gesturing incessantly to show his despair, which didnt move me at all after hearing his moans while he was with her.

“You cant do this, Jane; youre expecting my child.”

Before he could finish his sentence, hatred took over me, and my lips dominated.

“And who said this child is yours, Jason?”

A deafening silence was present there, and it seemed like he had been punched in the stomach. He looked at me incredulously and shook his head while tears rolled down his beautiful face, which was already reddened due to crying.

“This child isnt yours. I lied all this time; I never loved you!”

He seemed incredulous and seemed to stagger for a few seconds as if my words struck him.

“Jane, I know youre angry, but…”

“Just because Im telling the truth?”

I wiped the tears from my face, seeing that Jihoon had already finished wrapping my painting and was holding my iPad with my projects.

“Enough, Jane. Let’s go!”

He held my hand, giving me all the strength I needed, and guided me out of there, leaving Jason alone, standing there as he looked into nothingness. As we started down the stairs, I heard Jason rushing down behind me, and I just wanted to push him away so I would never have to look at his face again, which was my greatest dream and my worst nightmare.

“You’re lying! You’re saying this because you’re angry. I know you love me, and that this child is mine.”

Jihoon opened the door for me, and his driver was already waiting at the door, so he just handed my painting to the older man as he guided me to the car. Jihoon had been trying not to interfere since I signaled for him not to, but as I was getting into the car and Jason grabbed my arm, Jihoon pushed him away.

“Don’t touch her!”

“I need to! She needs to listen to me. She loves me!”

“Deceive yourself as much as you want, Jason. But never come near me or my child again.”

“Our child, Jane! Ours.”

“Now you’re saying it’s ours, huh? Because a few days ago, you thought it was Jihoon’s, right? You know what, you were right. The baby is his!”

He looked at me incredulously as tears rolled down his face, and he glanced at Jihoon, who didn’t look away, as if confirming what I said, even though I was lying since we never had anything. Jason wiped the tears off his face, and I could see his hurt, but I didn’t care.

“So, is that it? You were cheating on me all this time?”

The way his teary eyes seemed to plead with me to deny it almost made me weaken, but I knew I couldn’t, so I just nodded, unable to lie as I looked into his eyes for the second time. He looked up as if trying to contain his tears and then glanced at Jihoon.

“Enjoy.”

I didn’t know it was possible to feel even worse, but apparently it was possible, because when I saw him turn his back on me with eyes that seemed to overflow with his hurt, I just wanted to scream that I was lying. I just wanted to hurt him, make him feel what I was feeling, but even though I hurt him, I think I just ended up hurting myself even more. I finally got into the car, and Jihoon got in with me, pulling me close to him as if he already foresaw the overwhelming tears that would consume me the moment the car started moving. Tears flowed copiously, and it hurt so much that it felt like I had lost a part of myself.

“It’s going to be okay. I’m here. I’ll take care of you!”

He said as I nestled into his embrace, and not even he had the power to calm me this time. I couldn’t control the tears or the breathlessness that engulfed me. I really didn’t think Jason would be capable of doing something like this, and now every time I closed my eyes, I just saw them together. Jihoon held me in his arms and stroked my hair, but nothing comforted me. In a desperate attempt to try to make me stop crying so much, he pulled me onto his lap as if I were a child, and I clung to his neck, resting my head on his shoulder. I had never felt so alone and lost, even though I knew I wasn’t. I just cried as the streets of Seoul passed before me, seemingly losing track of time, and I only noticed we had reached Jihoon’s house when he got my attention, and I realized my hand was clutching his shirt as if he were my last hope.

“Jane. We’re here. Let’s go upstairs.”

The car was already parked in his building’s garage, and he looked at me, seeming sad to see me like that. When I looked at his green shirt, I noticed it was wet from my tears, and I felt cold as his body moved away from mine. I shook my head, leaving him confused.

“No, I’ll go to a hotel. I don’t want to bother you.”

He looked at me seriously, and I had never seen him look at me in that somewhat melancholic way.

“If you know me, you know I won’t leave you alone at a time like this. Not ever!”