Arrogant Boss

“Show me another one,” Julian demanded. “Someone she’s matched with.” Both Rachel and Sasha seemed delighted at his interest, but I heard the menace he was masking under layers of charm. Julian was pissed.

“Here.”

He was silent as he looked through the profile of a sweet-looking guy with glasses. “Here’s your nerd, Emily. I know how much you like them. Says here that he’ll cook you homemade pasta bolognese. Looking for the woman of my dreams. Oh, and he’s added a photo of himself with a dog. Clearly boyfriend material, although you’ll probably be so bored by your first year anniversary that you’ll beg him to try any position other than missionary.”

Sasha and Rachel collapsed into a howl of laughter, and I blushed furiously red. Julian met my gaze with a hard one of his own.

Anger blazed behind the cool exterior.

Whatever game this had started out as, I hated it now. These men didn’t deserve to be matched with someone who had no intention of dating them. And they definitely didn’t deserve being ridiculed like this.

I grabbed my phone back. “I’m not doing this anymore.”

“Oh, Emily,” Sasha said. “Don’t listen to the boss. I’m sure some of those men are great guys.”

“I’m absolutely sure they are.” I rose from my seat. “Please let me out, Julian.”

He rose stiffly. “Where are you going?”

“To get some air,” I tugged out my jacket from below our mountain of coats, “and check up on my brother. See you in a bit.”

I made a beeline for the exit, fully aware of the fact that Julian would likely follow me. I knew our co-workers would see it. And for the first time, I didn’t care.

No sooner had the door closed behind me than I heard it open again. I didn’t even need to glance back to know who it was, but I did it anyway.

Julian’s eyes smoldered.

“What’s the matter with you?” I asked. “That little game in there was harmless. I had no intention of ever meeting with anyone.”

“You told them you were single,” Julian said, biting off the label as if it was ugly, as if he hated saying it.

“Yes, because I don’t want anyone at work to know about us. We spoke about this yesterday and you said you understood.”

He crossed his arms and I saw how his jaw worked. “Do you know what you also said yesterday?”

“What?””When this thing is over between us. That’s what you said. I’ve thought about it since, but I don’t think it was a slip of the tongue.”

I swallowed, suddenly overwhelmed with this whole conversation. “That was poor phrasing. I’m sorry for saying it like that… Julian, I guess I just thought it was obvious.”

“What was obvious? Spell it out for me.”

“That we’re having fun and getting to know one another. We’re great in bed together. But, you know, one day you’ll want something different.” I shrugged. “We don’t exactly win prizes in compatibility.”

“And clearly you have no intention of us ever getting serious if you’re out here looking on online dating sites.”

“Julian, you’re acting jealous. Over an app. Your app, I might add.”

“No shit I am! Yesterday you admit that you’ve already put an expiration date on us, and tonight you’re out looking for my replacement. I’m sorry if I’m not super thrilled about being told I’m a placeholder.”

“That’s not what you are,” I said, feeling it all slip out of my hands. “You’re the best man I’ve ever… I’ve ever been with. You know we have great chemistry.” In a desperate attempt to make sense, I reached out, ran my hands down his chest. He pulled away from me.

“So what am I, then? A sexual adventure? A palate cleanser before you settle down with Quentin, or Jim, or Miguel? Someone you could actually tell your co-workers and family about?”

I was silent, mainly because he’d hit the nail on the head so perfectly. I had been treating this as a temporary thing, an affair, something too good to be true. I’d not given our future a single thought.

“Your brother still doesn’t know,” he said. “Does he?”

I shook my head mutely. “No. I didn’t want to…”

“Introduce me to him as your temporary lover. I can get that.” Julian shook his head and stepped away from me. There was so much emotion on his face that I felt my own heart ache. This was going wrong, all wrong, and I couldn’t find the words to stop it.

“That’s not what I meant-this isn’t what I want. Julian, I…” But nothing came.

He shook his head again, and this time his voice was resigned. “I know what I want, Emily. Let me know when you’ve decided. But I’m done being your dirty little secret.”

He walked across the parking lot towards his car, shoulders hunched slightly as if he was protecting himself from a blow or walking against heavy wind. I pressed a hand to my aching chest.

I’d always anticipated that he would walk away from me one day. And somehow, I had never considered that my own words and actions would be the reason.

My phone lay silent and judging beside me.

“Stop looking at me,” I told it and turned it face down, but it kept spreading its negativity. Or maybe that was me.

I’d brainstormed a hundred different texts I could write to Julian, ranging from the cheeky to the plainly desperate. My last attempt had read “I’m sorry. Please forgive me and take me back. I’ll do pretty much anything.”

But I hadn’t sent anything, and I hadn’t called, complete silence between us for the past two days. He’d conveniently been out of the office on Friday, and I’d spent my Saturday with Denise-although she was very nearly unbearable. She was so loved up with Michael that I was surprised she wasn’t bursting at the seams with happiness.

It wasn’t fair either that she ended up more or less agreeing with Julian. By the end of our yoga class, she had me a guilty, sweaty mess.

“You downloaded a dating app?” She hissed at me during downward dog. “And you told him you had already planned your breakup?”

“Whoops,” I mouthed, staring at her upside down. “I tried playing it casual.”

“And come down into cobra… like so. When you’re ready, rise into the warrior position.” The yoga teacher did a sinewy move that only circus performers could follow. I struggled into the uncomfortable split-like pose and glanced over at Denise.

She shook her head at me. “The man has feelings, Em. And you hurt him.”

“I know. I screwed up.”

“You did. I’ve never seen you this happy with anyone before. Get your head out of your ass or I’ll do it for you, and go make it up to him.”

“Silence is paramount,” the yoga teacher hissed from the front, shooting Denise a look that didn’t say namaste as much as shut the hell up. “It allows us to connect with our inner intuition.”

We shifted into a lotus position, stretching out in front of us in a way that sent pain up my back. Was it normal to be this stiff at the tender age of twenty-five?

I felt Denise poke me with her toe but I kept my eyes firmly shut.

“I’m listening to my inner voice,” I murmured to her.