A Lifetime With You by Athrhteera

Alena

A month had passed ever since I returned home and a lot had happened as well.

Mama came to visit whenever she could, keeping me company because Matteo was back to his usual routine. He went to work every morning and came back late at night. Whenever he came home, he looked a bit stressed out but he kept convincing me everything was fine.

Despite the convincing, I knew nothing was fine. Matteo still had trouble finding out about the man behind the kidnapping and that was probably the main reason behind his worries. He never wanted to talk much about work with me because he didn't want me to worry but he never really kept it a secret, too.

I knew I needed to respect his boundaries. He was already stressed out during the whole day thinking about work, he didn't have to worry about it when he came home. So, I tried my best to ensure he slept well at night-I prepared good food for dinner and ran him a bath. It didn't just end at a warm bath. We always ended up making love almost every night. It didn't bother me much every time I woke up feeling a little bit sore because I enjoyed every moment we had together. Our passionate moments were just as fun as any other boring moments we had during our nights at home.

Matteo also made sure I was healing well. To our luck, everything was going according to plan-that was what the doctor and the physiotherapist said.

That wasn't the only good news.

I could return back to work next week and I was thrilled. To be honest, staying at home and wasting my time away was great but I had gotten bored at the same routine. I loved working and I wouldn't even mind if someone called me a 'workaholic' because I enjoyed it. I missed waking up in the morning to go to work or even receive calls whenever I had a night shift.

It was probably odd for some people but truth be told, I wasn't the same like others.

A lot had happened during my maternity leave and it was best to leave the memories behind.

As for today, I was home alone for the next couple of hours. Mama called me earlier and she said she was going to stop by later but until then, I was by myself. I had woken up early this morning to prepare Matteo's breakfast before he left work and the rest was spent spoiling myself.

I took a warm bath, enjoyed a movie and ate lunch. They were simple but I considered those activities as spoiling myself because I didn't have to worry about anything else, only my own satisfaction.

I walked down the hallway, wanting to go downstairs but my feet were frozen when I stood in front of Marco's nursery. I turned to look at the slightly ajar door and my heart started to beat fast-I never stepped inside ever since I lost Marco.

Matteo was the one who said it was better to leave it for a little while. The two of us needed to heal and until we were better, we didn't have to step inside the nursery. It was only a reminder of what we had lost, our beautiful baby boy. However, we could avoid ourselves from entering the room but we could never run away from the truth

The solid truth.

The truth.

Our beautiful boy was gone.

He wasn't going to come back. He was gone forever.

I stayed still at my spot for five minutes, hesitating on whether I should enter or not. My hand reached out to the door

08:08

before I pushed it open, revealing Marco's nursery. I slowly took a step inside and stood in the middle, trying to process it.

I walked towards the lamp on the nightstand beside his crib before turning it on.

was

Once the light was turned on, I could see the nursery better. Everything still in the same spot as they were before the miscarriage, nothing was moved or changed. It was decorated nicely by our interior designer and it was completed during the last few weeks before I gave birth.

My lips curved up into a smile as I saw polaroid pictures of Matteo and I.

Ever since we found out about my pregnancy, we had decided to take a picture every month to watch the growing process of my baby bump. We never skipped because we wanted to notice the difference when Marco was delivered but apparently, our last picture wasn't as we expected.

We weren't holding our breathing baby boy. We were holding our stillborn baby.

I sat on the sofa bed near the window as I looked at a few soft toys. One was from Alexei, one was from Mama and Papa while the other one was from Luca. They had bought it from Jellycat, all the way from London. I could still remember how excited they were.

I didn't understand if I was doing fine while I tried to process the loss of Marco. However, I hadn't shed a tear ever since I stepped inside this room. Regardless of how much I missed my baby boy, I had finally accepted the fact that he was gone. Was I still grieving? I didn't think I could stop.

I just had to stop being sad over something I had no control with.

I picked up the soft toys before hugging them.

It was Munro Scottie Dog, Bashful Luxe Bunny Nimbus and Carissa Persian Cat.

They could be Marco's friends.

"Honey?"

I turned to look at the door, seeing Mama standing there with a worried look on her face. I blinked a few times before smiling at her, ensuring her it was fine to step inside. As she slowly walked in, she immediately went to grab my hands. "Are you okay, sweetheart?" She asked, looking at me.

I nodded, "I'm fine, Mama."

"What are you doing here all by yourself?"

I sensed the worry and concern in her voice. I knew she didn't want me to relapse and I had thought about the risk before I walked in-I didn't want to hurt or break myself apart. It took me a solid five minutes to consider if I should've entered or not.

my

"Nothing. I just wanted to see Marco's stuff,"

Mama rubbed onto my arm, soothing me. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, Mama. Don't worry, I'm fine."

"It would only be right.to worry, Alena. I rang the doorbell a few times and you didn't answer. I thought something had happened to you," she replied.

I smiled at her before I placed the soft toys in the crib.

As I walked back to the sofa bed to take a sit, Mama followed. I was still looking around the room, remembering back the memories of when Marco and I chose the decorations. We were excited for our bundle of joy, we even slept here a few nights during my second trimester. As for Mama, she continued to look at me.

"It was really my fault, wasn't it?" I asked, looking at her.

"Sweetheart... don't blame yourself,"

"If I took care of myself better, none of this would've happened. I should've paid more attention to myself, to my mental health. I should've known the risks," I continued to speak as she rubbed my back, trying her best to soothe me.

"Nobody could've known, Alena. If anybody had known it was going to happen, we would've avoided it. We would've did things differently. There must be a reason why this happened. I don't know the reason but I'm sure, it didn't happen without a reason." She responded before she pulled me in for a hug.

"I know... I just, I can't believe it."

"Don't ever blame yourself, honey. Nobody said it was your fault for what happened,"

"Maybe, you guys are just too scared to say it to my face."

"Why would we be?"

"Because it's a sensitive topic."

Mama frowned, shaking her head. "You're overthinking."

I sighed, "I'm fine. I'm just imagining my life right now if Marco was here,"

"It would've been really different."

I smiled as I imagined Marco in this room with Matteo. We were trying to put him to sleep as he sang him a lullaby or we were struggling to change his diaper because we didn't have the experience. My imaginations were running wild and I hated those were just dreams. I also had imagined Marco in Papa's arms, being held close.

Honestly, I had imagined Marco being in everyone's arms. He was probably going to be spoilt and everyone was going to love him. I also imagined him to have his first steps and getting ready for his first day of kindergarten. The memories were bound to be endless. We weren't given the chance to experience that.

Marco wasn't given the opportunity to live.

"Alena..."

I turned to look at Mama.

"Marco is in a better place. He's waiting for you and Matteo when the time comes. Ithink that's a really beautiful thing," she added, her eyes were beginning to get teary.

"What if we don't go to heaven?"

The question had caught both of us off guard as we chuckled. It wasn't supposed to be funny but it was better than to stay serious. "I mean, we've done bad things in our lives. What if when I die, I won't be able to see him?"

"You're not a bad person, Alena. You've done good things in your life. You're also a doctor who had sayed many lives, a noble thing that does not go unnoticed. You'll be able to see Marco when it's time. He'll always wait for his Mama," she replied. 08:08 Wed, Nov 6

My heart felt at ease at the thought as I smiled.

It was nice to hope, even though I never believed.